Today is the first day of spring. Last night the full "super" moon was the closest to the earth in 18 or so years.
I spent the last two weekends in a row in deep ceremony, one with big plant spirit medicine, one with only love ~ both equally powerful.
An overwhelming feeling of a slightly pleasurable melancholy stays with me today. I am alone & I am struck by the realization that I am always sad both when I am resisting something & just after that something is gone.
In several grandmother medicine ceremonies in the last couple months I have had the opportunity of staring into something so big it hurts. If you have not experienced this, I don't know if I can explain it. It is like the moment before being sucked into a vortex that you may possibly not survive, that you foolishly believe you can avoid by not looking at it but that you also know in your heart, you have been waiting for this your whole life, something that "cannot be named," both warning & calling & truth.
Last weekend, just a few days after the earthquake in Japan, I was privileged to attend a circle with a master curandero. I only drank the tiniest bit of medicine. It didn't matter. Within what seemed like just a few moments, it was clear that we were all held in a trance that had its origins in the deep movement of the earth. It hurt in my bones. This time I chose to look, if I can be so foolish as to think I had a choice, even though I was aware of so much fear. I cannot fully describe what I saw, YET, STILL, but I want to say here, in front of all of you, that this thing that "could not be named" WAS loving, despite its immensity & its ability for destruction.
There was a face to this movement that was asking for courage from me. I did my best. There is more to be said here, when I am able. But please remember, there is loving counsel available, for all of us, when we are ready to accept it. I am willing to be ready to accept it. This is where I am right now. I pray for help & continue to feel as if I am being pulled through a sieve. Again it hurts. Something big pouring through something tiny, me & you.
On this past Friday night, I held a small ceremony in my home, a healing ceremony for the people of Japan. Except for a tobacco offering & some blessed chocolate, there was no plant spirit present. I had (very last minute) put out a call for prayers & held the intentions of about 50 people from all over the world: mostly from the US ~ Miami, LA, NYC, Boston, Western Mass & upstate NY as well as prayers from the UK, France, Australia . . . . I had opened my home for people to gather there but at the last minute, everyone cancelled, one by one . . .
Before I go on I have to say ~ there is nothing, absolutely nothing I love more than sitting in ceremony with my daughters & singing & praying.
The other thing I want to say here is that I am so excited with my progress in holding sacred space without "medicine" or rather with the only medicine being Love. I didn't believe it at first, that this could work & by work I meant, having the feeling of entering another realm where forms could be shifted & physical limitation of time & space could be lifted. Of course, I am very respectful of the plant spirits that have become my teachers & I was skeptical that anyone who had experienced the power of these presences would want to come to a ceremony where the only spirit is Love. Obviously I myself hold this resistance.
I also must say here, that it is Love that is doing this work, not me. I am merely opening the door.
I thought Nola was going to her dad's on Friday so I was surprised when she asked if I could pick her up at the train. I had made the promise to everyone that I would be there between 8 & 10 pm, no matter what, so I was more than pleased to have Nola for company. We worked hard to get everything ready, went ahead & made a big feast for the ceremonial after party, rolled up some cardamon & curry cacao truffles, prepared the room.
I have raised my daughters to believe that everything is always perfect & turns out as it is supposed to. Always. I also have raised them under the belief, held internally, that I would not show fear when I knew bravery was in order, even when I was very afraid.
I went out for tobacco & when I came back, Nola was all in white, outlining a circle on the floor with white candles. We began with some readings about the importance of the moon & it's relationship to the coming Uranus/Pluto square. Once we actually entered the circle, we read the names of all who had offered prayers & made the commitment to hold space with us & then we sat for a good long time in the dark, facing each other.
At some point, I spoke aloud a prayer that everyone, whether they were in the US battling an old karmic ego wound or in Japan mourning loved ones & fearing radiation, would realize that there was safety within & that old ideas of security/ what it meant to be held were being dissolved to allow this opportunity for something new to come, something that would not come without our complete surrender & that surrender was forgiveness of the self first & then release, surrender did not mean giving up.
We sang & sang & sang, back & forth to each other, in the dark & from the bottom of our hearts. I then offered to Nola that she lay on the floor in the middle of the circle after I laid a spine's length of cedar on the floor for her. In this space I used everything I had within myself to clear her energy fields of blockages & to lay down love in each of these spaces. In this time & with these actions, we prayed for Japan & for all of you.
After I was finished, I asked Nola to heal me. She had never done this before. I gave her a few guidelines: open & close the circle with the 4 directions, pray for all my guides & ancestors to help me, use your right hand to give me energies, use your left hand to take things away, smudge a lot, especially when removing energy & the most important thing ~ do not think you know what you are doing before, let yourself be surprised, do not throw any sensation away because you think it is not important.
I closed my eyes. When I felt Nola bend over me & place her hands on either side of my head, I felt the presence, once again, of something so big that I almost felt afraid, almost. I was not afraid because I knew it was Nola, but I still had the same feeling, of something very big being drawn through something very, very tiny. I realized I was holding my breath. I consciously began to breath deeply as Nola began to sing, just inches from my face "I love you, all of you, I love you, all of you, I love you, all of you."
You might think this sounds corny in the privacy of your own home but if this was your daughter, you would know in every cell that some big medicine healing was going down in the form of Divine Love.
This is one of my tipi songs, one of the songs I am known to sing every time, like my absolute classic favorite hit single. Nola sang without pause, over & over & over, even as her voice caught on some tears. She did not waver in her healing space. She moved her peregrine feather over my body & continued to sing: "There is so much magnificence, in the ocean. The waves are coming in, the waves are coming in. Hallelujah, Hallelujah . . . . " Another one of my top ten. She was singing my love back to me. Without stopping.
I felt her tears fall on my face.
This was our prayer for Japan & for the Japan in every one of us.