I am hobbling back slowly from my vision quest. I know it was two weeks ago. It has just been so delicious to be at least semi-silent, padding around in my little house, inbetween some spectacular praying in the tipi, ooh la la, some spectacular rattling and singing & some spectacular turning-your -heart-inside-out-just-to-get-more-surface-area & some spectacular no-reason-to-say-no-to-love-EVER going on in the tipis & just in the everyday of being me (& in feeling like you are so very much me too, you all should be feeling pretty good too, by now).
The crazy thing about all of this is the flipside of feeling so connected & one with everything is that sometimes I don't feel so good, cause I get scared this feeling is going to go. I mean, be honest, have you ever broken up with someone that you really really loved, only so you wouldn't have to go through the pain of having them leave you? Be honest. Well, it is a little bit like that . . . I wake up sometimes in the morning, imagining how I would feel if I didn't feel connected to anything, if I didn't feel rooted in the chain of love . . if I just disappeared into the sea or night . . .
I can get myself all worked up into that. I have had my girls so close to me in the last weeks in the tipi, sitting right next to me (I mean who gets to do that? like all the time?) but then when it gets time to leave them and go home, I can get myself crazed in a heartbeat, that somehow, insanely, I am alone . . .
So yesterday I was looking out my kitchen window at the garden next door, which is where I have been praying lately, staring into the green & the flowers and I realized that if I really believed that I was never alone and if I really believed that I would be shown what my work was, on a daily basis, that I have been shown what my work is all along, then all I need to do is show up for that (joyfully would work) and do what needs to be done & be grateful, hmmm, well that makes everything quite simple & NO MORE THINKING REQUIRED, SO DON'T WASTE YOUR ENERGY
I looked down & realized that during this series of thoughts, this prayer, my right hand had opened flat on the window sill where before it had been clenched. I pressed down into the wood like something magic was in the center of my palm, hidden there all along.