PENGUIN PANIC IN THE RENTED DESERT *

SEPTEMBER 23 – 26, 1981

ELEVENTH HOUR GALLERY
BOSTON

*(reprinted from Wait For Me At The Bottom of The Pool: The Writings of Jack Smith, edited by J. Hoberman & Edward Leffingwell/ Serpent's Tail Books 1997)

SINBAD GLICK        JACK SMITH
SECRETARY            KATHE IZZO



SINBAD GLICK:    These are the slides, when I first met Yolanda. I was a starving actor in Rome and uh . . . I was hired to be the attendant that took the penguin out for its morning visit to the Colosseum and bring it back.  And another attendant took it to church later in the day and . . . but this was before she started making movies and uh . . . but even at this time she was . . . the world's most notorious penguin.  It is the morning after the night P.P. Entwhistle, the head of Sunnyset Pentagram Motion Picture Studio . . . opens the cigar box Yolanda la Pinguina is kept in between films to renew her contract, and found her very very dead.


(to SECRETARY):  The box has been here two days.  Where will you take it after . . . when you . . . uh . . . leave work?

GLICK:  It's uh . . . This was a . . . an early Yolanda La Pinguina slide show.  This one was called "Exotic Landlordism in the World."  Another secret of acting is in your uh . . . most dramatic moments you contrive to be peeling onions.

SEC:  Does this go along with this list of acting that you just gave me?

GLICK:  Yes.  Those are the other rules of acting.

SEC:  Jack's rules of acting.

GLICK: No, not mine.

SEC:  No?  Basic Rules of Acting?

GLICK:  It's a proclamation put out by P.P. Entwhistle, head of the studio.

SEC:  One.

GLICK:  The same P.P. Entwhistle whose . . .

SEC:  Don't . . don’t mention it please.  Can I read this first?

GLICK:  Yes.

SEC:  'kay

One.  Do not indicate.  Do what must be done exactly as it must be done.  Exaggeration is not necessary.

Two.  Repress gushes of emotion so that it comes out slowly and naturally as in your sweat.  This keeps the audience in suspense and makes them work so they have to try and figure out what is happening.

Three.  Remember staging.  For example.  When having a nervous breakdown, a crucial climactic element: look for the hot point on the stage which may not be the most obvious.  Front Center should be reserved for narrators only.  But look for a more subtle but extremely hot area where all emotions can be seen.

Four.  Remember aspiration is not a cause for an N.B.  Failure is.  Remember aspiration is not a cause for an N.B. . . . Failure is.  The scene after P.P. Entwhistle's call is one of desperation because I have lost my last chance at becoming a star.  I have failed on the ladder to success as a starlet.

Five.  Express my state of mind, primarily despair, in this production, through my relationship with the objects on the stage, remembering not to stick to the solitariness of my desk.  Gestures of the most minutest details tell elaborate stories.

Six.  Be aware of the other characters and objects at all times.  Concentration is of the utmost importance.

Seven.  Although reality should not be stuck to without exception, it is essential to remember the logical coherent steps that go into everyday living.  Do not skip around or do things haphazardly, just because you are on stage.  Things must be believable.

Eight.  Do not go directly to the center of your trauma.  This is unhuman.  Beat around the bush a little bit.  Remember gestures and details tell elaborate stories.

GLICK:  Uh . . I was thinking . . . I think I need three dance numbers instead of two.

SEC:  And how . . what about everybody else?

GLICK:  Let them eat cake.

SEC:  What about my dance numbers?

GLICK:  Well . . .

SEC:  Just because I'm a secretary, I don't get any dance numbers?

GLICK:  No, but I think . . that  two would be very nice.

SEC:  Two for me?

GLICK:  Yes.  It would contrast very nicely with the three . . .

SEC:  With the three or four or five that you might take?  Just because you own all the chiffon doesn't mean you can dance around like crazy you know.  And those are my mittens.  They were given to me for my birthday by a very good friend of mine.

GLICK:  What happened?

SEC:  Well, you keep making me cut the onions, I mean slice the oranges . . . they're all soggy.

GLICK:  Well, no, I mean . . .

SEC:  Do you suspect foul play?

GLICK:  What?  Yolanda had no enemies.  Except . . .

SEC:  Well what about Joanne la Barracuda.  I mean they weren't exactly friends.  It's a tricky business.

GLICK:  Joanne la Barracuda films have dropped off at the box office in the last few years.  And she . .

SEC:  She's a vicious, vicious woman.  She can't be trusted.  I thought the studio should have dropped her years ago . . but I mean what good is my opinion.  I'm just a lowly secretary, but . . vicious woman.  Beyond belief.  I mean such pettiness.  I could not believe.  I mean Yolanda was such just a sweet . . she wasn't cut out for this business.    You have to have a heart of stone to get anywhere.

GLICK:  It's very unexotic . . . Where's the bottle . . Keep some of it there.  I mean make a balance between them, you know . . you don't think that Joanne la Barracuda dreamt of stepping into Yolanda's wedgies . . .

SEC:  Oh, definitely!

GLICK:  And stealing . . stealing the very forehead earring of exoticism off the forehead of Yoland la Pinguina?

SEC:  You know that is the dream of every starlet on the set.  I mean if you haven't noticed . . . I mean the star has been ripped off her dressing room countless times.  I mean I just started painting it on . . .

GLICK:  Well, next day on your dressing room they glued a star, or pasted a star.  I never knew which.  What's . . . (sings "There's No Business Like Show Business") Next day on your dressing room they . . . glued a star.  Is that it?

SEC:  On your dressing room they glued . . . pasted . . . glued. . .

GLICK:  Stuck a star . . .

SEC:  Stuck.  Stuck.  Gum.

GLICK:  Pinned a star . . .

SEC:  No.  Pinned.  Not that.  Stuck.  I guess it's sort of, you know, I mean . . . use your own imagination.  I think it's stuck..

GLICK:  Or placed a star.  Or put.

SEC:  Placed.  Like a heavenly entity.

GLICK:  Why don't you take the box out to . . . out to . . . the Penguin Pits.

SEC:  The dreaded Penguin Pits?

GLICK:  Yes. The Sacred Penguin Sacrifice Pits.

SEC:  But the ghosts.  It's . . . haunted.  I don't know . . . who could do it . . . I think it's really bad luck to take her to uh the Penguin Pits without a proper . . fune . .

GLICK:  Permit?

SEC:  Yeah.

GLICK:  Yes.  Possibly yes.

SEC:  And also the Sacred Penguin Rites haven't been performed yet . . .

GLICK:  The what?

SEC:  Sacred Penguin Rites.  Haven't you heard of them?  The ones that were written on the sides of the pyramids?  Sacred Penguin Rites?  I think that it would be incredibly bad luck for her to be placed out there . . .

GLICK:  Placed out where?

SEC:  In the Perilous Penguin Pits.

GLICK:  Without what?

SEC:  Without the Penguin Rites.

GLICK:  The Penguin Rites?

SEC:  The Sacred Penguin Rites.

GLICK:  Well that's the . . . you mean the Penguin Sacrifices, you mean?  Of Lucky Landlord Lagoon.  Of course.  (music swells, long pause)  I love drinking orange juice.  It's so much like drinking blood . . . lobster blood.  The orange juice squeezer is a strangely Baghdadian thing.  It uh . . is shaped like . . Aladdin's lamp.  But . . . it's round.  Uh . . . and it comes to a Baghdadian point.  Also the orange juice itself is a very Baghdadian thing.

SEC:  Mr. Glick, do you think that Baghdad is the answer to Hollywood?

GLICK:  Well . . . I . . . I don't know . . I wouldn't want to give you a pasty answer.

SEC:  I'm just looking for an answer to . . . stardom.

GLICK:  Maybe you could talk P.P. into becoming, letting you become the replacement for uh . . Yolanda . . the creature that his latest proclamation uh according to which he's looking for . . someone has to be found  to be Maidenform de la Pinguina anyway.

SEC:  I don't have a chance.  He just uses me as his receptacle.  To fulfill his every whim . . . I mean he knows the trashy things he makes me resort to.  He promised stardom long ago.

GLICK:  Take the onions . . . and the next time he has an erection . . . and, uh . . . peel onions, I mean, and uh . . .

SEC:  Excuse me, Mr. Glick, I'm in a bad way.  I . . . It's like I have reached this obstacle and it's impossible to surmount.  I mean . . .  an impasse impossible to surmount.  An impasse impossible to surmount.

GLICK:  Why . . did you figure out who you are?

SEC:  Uh . . I'm not sure what her name is but there's a secretary in this movie, I think it was, I mean definitely it's an element of Kathe . . . and then it's a cross between the secretary in this movie but I don't know the name of the movie, actually I'm working on it . . . I'm working on it.  Why, can you tell?

GLICK:  It must be very nice for you to have the day off because he surely wouldn't . . wouldn't call the day after the death of the penguin.

SEC:  I hope not.  I mean this man has no decency?  I mean this is a sad day for Hollywood . . . What a woman.  What a penguin.  I doubt anyone could fill her . . . feathers.  'Cause she was . . her diamond encrusted tailfeathers.

GLICK:  Uh . . it's very sad not to have . . the penguin in the cigar box, isn't it.  You should leave this, you know and . . uh . . and uh . . and just uh . . (music swells, long pause) You could, uh . . I think your hair has come out of the bun.

SEC:  My hair?

GLICK:  I think the hair has slipped out of the bun.  What kind do you use . . what . .

SEC:  Sticky buns from South Station . . was it the souvlaki stand – no it was the kielbasa stand.  The best coffee in town!

GLICK:  That looks like a bagel.  Is that a bagel?

SEC:  It is a honey bun. A sticky bun.

GLICK:  It looks like the crocodile might have got at it though.

SEC:  These glasses really hurt my eyes after a while.  It's getting a little hot in here . . So do you really think I might have a chance at becoming Maidenform de la Pinguina?

GLICK:  I don't know.  But let's . . let's take the box . . out to the uh . .  excavation . . and uh . . and . .

SEC:  Just a second, let me get dressed . . . Shall we take the box?

GLICK:  Hum?

SEC:  Shall we take the box?

GLICK:  Yes, in case PP Entwhistle calls, uh . . .

SEC:  Tell him I'm putting my galoshes on.

GLICK:  Yes.  Tell . . . tell him . . . that . . tell him that . . what is your character's name?

SEC:  Um.  It's . . uh . . .uh . .  Peggy the Secretary.  No?

GLICK:  Tell him that, uh . . Miss La Rue . . and uh . . Mr. Glick were attacked by one of the crocodiles but they'll be back in the office . . uh . . . later this afternoon.

VOICE:  Later this afternoon.

GLICK:  Yes, we're just going out by uh . . .out by the uh . .

VOICE:  Lucky Landlord . .

GLICK:  . . . out by the big clumps of hibiscuses . .  but we'll be right back in a little  . . get a breath of fresh air . .

VOICE:  I'll tell PP.

GLICK:  That we were attacked by the crocodiles but it's nothing . . .just a few, uh . . .