(photo & journal entry from our first trip to wigmore, march 2007)
layer after layer, the joy comes back to the surface
you could say that steve & i are abusing the stuff: the wheatgrass, the joy . . . but who really knows, as joy is in such dire shortage these days . . .
you can overdo anything i suppose. they do a lot of talking here about cravings, things that drive your life, things you lose your present state of my mind for
i have been meditating like crazy the last few days, one could think that I am overdoing it -- the sitting, the meditation. i have been working on moving negative thoughts off my heart & lightening it. i see these negative thoughts like logs, heavy & somewhat compact – something you need effort to move but you can use your body weight behind it and it solidly leaves the mind & body. you find this negative thought by your emotions. you can feel the negativity come in. this is not an intellectual process. if you are feeling good, joyful, then your intent & desire is vibrationally in sync with your heart. you feel at peace, you feel warm, you feel love, joy. you can feel this sensation change, it goes off track, zips up in a cockeyed way, you feel like something sticks in your gut, your back. it is a vibrational shift. if you can catch it when it happens, it is pretty easy to replace that thought with something positive & you will know that it is positive because it will feel good. that's how you know you are in the right place
the theory is that you just have to keep guiding your mind back to the highest levels. That is it, a training. So when i am triggered -- angry, jealous, etc -- i can replacing those feelings and their feelings of exclusion and abandonment with feelings of inclusion and being held, being safe
and this is where we get back to the greens, the wheatgrass. as i feel the vibrations of the food & the plants here at wigmore inside of me, i soften. although high, I expand rather than contract, which is how i feel on other stimulants. When I take in the wheatgrass & the chlorophyll, i soften & then i like to lay my face on Steve's chest & remember something i have never remembered before
i am smaller now, here eating this raw energy food, & I compact down to a tiny nugget, curling up into a ball in his arms
i have been imprinting this state as a state of joy
i was sitting in my Sugar, Starches and Caffeine class the other day & another layer of joy surprised me. it rippled in and up & i felt the lightness in my heart, the feeling of hopefulness i felt in September or just before, in the end of August, when I was preparing for school & buying everything new. it was the feeling of being gifted with so much blankness
i could grow into myself. there was so much space to be me, bright & shiny
i have been swimming almost everyday, a few times a day. i don't swim in the ocean that much in the North. i like the way the cold rearranges my molecules but I have to run right out & i don't get to be carried by the waves -- that lifting and placing back down, that lifting & placing back down. if you catch the wave before the crest you can do this, rise and fall. this is a layer of joy. it maybe a new imprint of joy but it reminds me of others: a child's toy I don't remember, something bouncing & it oddly reminds me of Lalita's fingers placing my curls inside the bonnet today in class, before learning how to make the smoothie, how she took her time and pushed each curl in so gently, the light in her eyes holding mine. that was just this morning. i have to remember that imprint that love
the ocean tides and the heart, the love on the inside and the outside being the same. the touch, the joy, the being held, the green -- all the same
