when crystal arrived, i showered her with reading materials: love letters & memoirs, love project proposals, old journals. as previously mentioned, we are on a love trajectory both elegantly slender & gorgeously thick . . . (as often happens in love & art, i am in the midst of an intricate plan i have yet to form or understand . . is this the beginning of a series of love mentorships . . oh if i could only be so lucky . . to house & love & honor & school those on the path of becoming love artists) . . she will leave soon & I am only beginning to answer her brilliant questions.
dear love artist,
You must be very brave and strong . . . don't you feel afraid or incapable when people offer so much of themselves up to you so? It seems like it could be an incredible burden/responsibility; when someone gives themselves to you? Does the time limit on your appointments help you to deal with that? So that the burden has a holding-life, as it were?
I know that you 'meet' people with what you have to offer too, but in your position as 'artist' and they as 'patron, it suggests you have more power, (and therefore? not necessarily) responsibility to/for them.
my lovely crystal-line, love initiate,
first let me reiterate my love mission for those new to the True Love Project (s), that six years ago I was given the vocation of loving the world one person at a time, for one day, one hour, one afternoon or one evening from some voice, some arcane Joan of Arc divine intelligence --& that I see these love "appointments" as performances & therefore I see myself as the Love Artist (or one of them).
i don't think of myself as brave necessarily, tho I do get scared, so that definitely defines moments of courage . . there is a quote somewhere, for some reason I think it was winston churchill (?)
courage is fear holding on a moment longer . .
I do feel like I am often negotiating how much to give, what part of that giving is because I a) want to give, b) feel like it is my responsibility because I said I was going to love them or c) is just flowing out of me.
In the first two situations, worrying about my own needs in loving or worrying about the expectations of the patron or lover, then I think I am often afraid.
Being the Love Artist started almost as a conceit . . I was spending so much time flirting, seducing, intriguing &, eventually but not always, actually loving . . . I figured it was more economical to just make this loving my art . . this was both an embarrassingly egotistical & immature & ridiculously huge task. But then again, we all love the difficult.
Now it is different. Now I focus on the flow out of me. I want the flow out of me. I want to be in the letting go. It's not easy but it feels so much better. I focus on making my vessel of love as clear as possible.
(I am sure that vessel has not appeared very clear in the week that you have been here, with my moaning & apology, my piles of papers, my brief dalliance w/ you & yr cigarettes . . but flow also means no apology for imperfection, just moving forward with the most grace you can muster)
I will leave it at this: I do my best to completely respect my love patrons for who they are & to make them the recipient of my full attention. That is the True Love Project. When they leave, I do my best to let them go completely. I sometimes fail & that hurts. But I always do it again. I guess this is courage.
As far as the power relationship inherent whenever you invite another into your life, whenever you extend a gift, I am who I am & the project has it's parameters . . I cannot control how those that sit with me respond to that.
That is also courage.