there is no map to my heart
it is never the way you imagine it, ever
when i was a little girl, my mother always lectured me: do not stay home with your children, never depend on your husband, keep your money separate & in the same breath, do not count on your friends, the family is sacred . . .
i have been learning how to let go
i now walk into the wild
those that know me well can tell you i am something like 500% more serene & content than maybe 5 years ago, maybe one year ago but then there is mr kingsley who will shake his head with a grin & sometimes some tired eyes of deep saturated love & say
buy the ticket, take the ride
& by that he means, of course, me
the love artist
i watched into the wild the other night & it disturbed me so much, i must now watch it again
i felt lonely & sad
& i still do
ringing like a bell
it is such a mess really, to wonder why chris mccandless did what he did
but i also thought, if not now ~ when?
there are so many questions:
what is safe? what is reckless?
what is selfish? what is love?
i just want to bust it all down
here i am in such head-spinning hallucinatory bardo for what feels like ages now, it is hard to say if it started when i chose to leave mr kingsley last november after a mess of bad behavior on both our parts, or when i took the journey deep (or high) into my light body on my own on my extreme living foods odyssey or if the bardo actually began when i chose to come back to the burrow of my lover's embrace last june . . has it been only 3 months?
i have to be honest here or there or everywhere, because the stakes are just that high . . . i spend half of my time these days tripping on joy & the other half pissing & moaning & what is the struggle:
when the intimacy gets that close, it feels like sugar, feels like heroin, feels like a lot of too much
so how do we know what is too much
we all have been noticing the lies, it keeps coming up everywhere, in every conversation, at every dinner table: the shoulds & shouldn'ts
why MUST we do anything?
why buy a house?
why drive a car?
why pay health insurance?
why be out of time, this time, this time you are breathing right now, why cheapen this breath you are breathing right this minute for the illusion of some safe harbor, somewhere just beyond the horizon?
& to this i add why hold back . .
i know the wild is relative & that within the heart a great unknown & in love a tremendous solitude & in this risk of trust there lies huge white open air, a subtle security unlike anything i (we) have ever known . . .
(to be continued)