dear love artist / raw base sexual chemistry

dear love artist,

My question on LOVE, one of many, is:

Is raw, base, sexual chemistry and desire between two people necessary in or fundamental to a long term relationship? I understand that other kinds of love can grow and would probably be more satisfying than ONLY this factor, however, I am not sure I could have a long term relationship where this didn't exist. But I haven't found the two together yet. A possible separate question: would 'making love' be the only alternative in a deeply loving relationship where the feeling of just-thinking-about-them-makes-you-breathless doesn't exist? and do you think this kind of sex would ultimately be more fulfilling?

love,  crystal








my dear crystal,

lovely girl, to begin with, two basic answers:

1. as you have so perceptively pointed out,raw, base, sexual chemistry & desire is not the best foundation on which to build a relationship

IF

it is the only basis . .

in other words, often times those that rock your world do so because they are so distracting from a life that we are having a hard time facing or being responsible for, not because it is so unbearable necessarily (although sometimes), but because we are (pick one or several of the following): tired, stressed, self-critical, unfulfilled, insecure or doubtful or actually just plain human, doing the best that we can under often seemingly superhuman conditions.

When one (or several) of the situations occur (& I am not inferring that you are in denial about the above situations or that any of them apply to you, though as said, so human) it is normal to want relief from them & raw, base, sexual chemistry works better than almost anything, especially in an attractive package . . if you are so lucky . . . but the long term prospects of such distraction are questionable unless mixed with other quantities. 

we are not a patient generation and often times love (even mild infatuation) comes with such a rush so we can convince ourselves of anything & everything.

which brings me to my second answer:

2.  if you have a relationship that is intelligent & insightful & respectful & cozy & fulfilling in all regards but does not have that, how did you put it again "raw, base, sexual chemistry" in at least a dilution of say 50% (obviously put your own favored percentage in here -- mine is 100% I must admit) . . I , as the Love Artist, in all my years of experience .  .  . don't see it working out.

Even biochemistry backs this up . . Helen Fisher, PhD at Rutgers in Anthropology who has written tons on the body's reactions to love in regards to the evolution of the species enforces this by recounting the body's emission of dopamine, a highly addictive substance on the level of cocaine, that is released during the early stages of relationship to insure the proper cement so that babies can be raised in a (somewhat) stable environment.  This is a combination of pheromones (just sniffing or sensing the right mate) & physical attraction & sexual arousal . . this arousal state lasts, on average about 12 -18 months before moving into the other chemical stages of love & attachment, that I will discuss at a later time, but suffice it to say that even nature requires that thing, that indescribable thing that you seek, be mixed into a satisfying partnership that has legs (so to speak) . . .

of course, balance is everything but even nature, these days, does not live in a perfect world . . .

xox tla


ps.  'making love'

is

the only alternative, always . . . but then that is only my opinion . . if it doesn't feel like love you are making then you are with the wrong person . . 

xox yr love artist

Comments

[crystal]

Ha! I was WAITING to hear about the 'making love' part. Thank you, dear love artist. Your advice is much cherished. C xx