on refraining pema chodron writes:
(from When Things Fall Apart & from the chapter Not Causing Harm):
"not causing harm obviously includes not killing or robbing or lying to people . . it also includes not being aggressive with our actions, our speech or our minds . . . the most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage & respect to look at ourselves honestly & gently. . . the next step is
refraining
mindfulness is the ground; refraining is the path
refraining is one of those uptight words that sounds repressive. surely alive, juicy, interesting people would not practice refraining. maybe they would sometimes refrain, but not as a lifestyle. in this context, however, refraining is very much the method of becoming a dharmic person. it's the quality of not grabbing for entertainment the minute we feel the slight edge of boredom coming on. it's the practice of not immediately filling up space just because it is empty
. . . i make all kinds of little jumpy movements when i feel like i am losing ground. i do things like: pull my ear, scratch my nose or head when it doesn't itch, i straighten something . .
noticing how we avoid basic groundlessness is a way to get in touch with it
refraining – not habitually acting out impulsively – has something to do with giving up entertainment mentality
through refraining, we see that there's something between the arising of a craving – or the aggression or loneliness or whatever it might be – & whatever action we take a result
there's something in us that we don't want to experience & we never do experience it because we are so quick to act
underneath our ordinary lives, underneath all of the talking we do, all the moving we do. all the thoughts in our minds, there is a fundamental groundlessness. it's there bubbling along all the time. we experience it as a restlessness & edginess. we experience it as fear. it motivates passion, aggression, ignorance, jealousy & pride but we never get down into the essence of it
refraining is the method for getting to know the nature of this restlessness & fear. it is the method for settling into our groundlessness. if we immediately entertain ourselves by talking, by acting, by even thinking – if there is never a pause – we will never be able to relax . . .
refraining is a way of making friends with ourselves at the most profound level possible . .
we begin to relate with what's underneath all that shows up & expresses itself as uptight, controlling & manipulative behavior.
underneath all that, there's something very soft, very tender, that we experience as fear or edginess. . .
when we've seen ourselves completely, there's a stillness in the body that is like a mountain. we no longer get jumpy and have to scratch our noses, pull our ears, punch somebody, go running from the room or drink ourselves into oblivion. a thoroughly good relationship with ourselves results in being still which doesn't mean we don't run and jump & dance about. it just means there is no compulsiveness. we don't overwork, overeat, oversmoke,
overseduce
in short, we begin to stop causing harm . . . "
amazing amazing post.
Yesterday I was all about the compulsiveness. This is just what I needed to read.
Posted by: banning | February 06, 2008 at 03:50 PM
oh, thank you so much for this! what a good book. i've said it before and i'll sayit again - that book should be mandatory for humans. your post came at the perfect time, miz chronicity.
Posted by: dakota | February 06, 2008 at 03:52 PM
thanks for the validation chicas
yr comrade in arms x the love artist
Posted by: the love artist | February 06, 2008 at 03:55 PM
Thank you!
Posted by: ms bruno | February 07, 2008 at 05:31 AM
Interesting because in periods of 'loss' - I've been able to be the 'stillest'
I'm in a vast space right now and am refraining from certain behaviors because I don't want to create cords/bonds with people too soon. Done that in the past and they can be hard to break. Thank you for always being provocative with your words (and life)
Posted by: denise | February 07, 2008 at 05:34 AM
*sigh of recognition*
I love you.
x
a peacock!
Posted by: a peacock! | February 07, 2008 at 04:43 PM