the love artist dot org

cry baby

i should have been in bed a long time ago . . i have been up cutting little pieces of paper with an exacto knife & something called a t-square, which i couldn't figure out how to use . . as per usual my cuts were all crooked . . .

i am sucker for a kid that needs to feel special & they all do, me included . . .

the paper is for my kids at ps 192. tomorrow is my last day there

we have been having an alternate day love fest/sob fest all week

tomorrow the activity (get out your hankies) looks like this:

i enter the room.  they are all sitting in a circle.  i lay rows of envelopes on the floor, one with each kids name on it.  i hand each kid a pile of cut pieces of index cards, one piece for each of their classmates.  on it they will write an anonymous, heartfelt compliment or creative gift (a word, a picture) that is specific to each of their classmates & then put it in their envelope.  when the class is over, they will have this sweet envelope to take home with them 

today we had our readings of their poems.  i have put them through a little bit of a boot camp for the last couple of classes, teaching them to take themselves seriously.  you know like:

"if 2 people come or 200 people come, you still have to be a rock star"
"your teachers don't come to school in their pajamas.  they think about how they look & they prepare for the day & they prepare for you"
"look at me"
"look at me"
"look at me"

the readings went great.  they all showed up clean & shiny. some slipped me notes:

a love heart for ms kathe

thank you for teaching us poemrtys

remember that you said to believe in your side
& when i was reading i did

when you came i thought it would be boring, but it wasn't

thank you ms kathe

wow (this is for you)(& you know it)

containing

just behind the sunset
something waits for me
just behind the sun
lies my life

stephanie, 10 years old


on my backyard tree
a crow sings its peaceful song
each cool summer night

fida, 10 years old


a t-rex's head
is as strong as steel
but my imagination
is as strong as a diamond

emmanuel, 10 years old


one of the things that i haven't mentioned in my stories from the front of childhood is the names of my 10 year old poets: monisha, nazar, vazira, fatima, tarek, camoljon, guadalupe, balthazar, guillermo, ivan, omar, yair, sadat, marisol, bekir, miguel, jesus (x 3), yomar, zainab, elvin, fida, mohammed (x 7), iqra . . .

the kids are earnest, they want to learn, they are (obviously, like we all are) born to love

most come from homes where there is no english. most are the emissaries & conduits to & from the outside world of commerce & communication for their families. many of the kids are working overtime, even in the classroom, translating for their fellow students, new ones coming in everyday, old ones disappearing back to a homeland without any word or explanation from the parents or from anyone. the teachers don't blink an eye. they let the kids negotiate the social structure

vazira is from uzbekistan & she was translating for 3 different kids in the 5 weeks i was in the school, one who is gone already

it's complicated & so so hard to grow up today

they had to work really hard to be creative, to think abstractly

they kept telling me how hard it is

to think

they actually said that to me

it is hard to think ms kathe

but in the last two weeks they kept asking me to stay

yesterday I spread the envelopes on the floor, each with one of their names on it. they kept asking me if this was going to be

fun

& i said

yes

they didn't know what compliments were so i said write a loving thought. they didn't understand what that meant. not that they didn't understand what love was, but why should they love their classmate if they didn't know them? why should they love their classmate if they were mean to them? what do I say? what do i say?

i told them to look at each one of the people in their class & think about what makes them special, it could even be one word

i saw one kid write down

kind

i saw another kid just write

special

over & over on every card. it was a beginning

i told them that if someone was mean & then they were mean back & then the other person would be even meaner & then meaner to everyone else too

they listened. the room was silent

i could feel myself containing them. i didn't realize i was doing it until later when i was so very tired, completely wrecked (although high high high, exhilarated). i realized that i was psychically keeping the concentration for them, every time they resisted, every time they were scared, every time they didn't know what to do or say

they all filled out every little piece of paper. everyone kept still & quiet for even the slowest writer

they asked me if they could keep the envelopes forever

& i said yes

before, in my head, i believed that my kid teaching/work & my (love) artwork were 2 different worlds

but now i know

the image of your body

you've made it out of the city
that image of your body, trembling with traffic
and fear slips behind
your face arrives in the redbud trees, and the tulips

you're still restless
climb up the ladder to the roof
you're by yourself a lot
become the one that when you walk in
luck shifts to the one who needs it
if you've not been fed, be bread

rumi


*photo by absolut beauty

love desert night

love desert dawn

liberty advance

they call it liberty advance, as opposed to liberty retreat. it is not a retreat center, not a place where you withdraw into a meditative state but rather a place where you become more fully engaged in everything: yourself, each other, the work at hand

i feel like i am dreaming & indeed i just woke up from a totally narcotic nap, giorgio currled up like a kitten beside me in the love artist bunglalow

i'm going to just jump in

there is no way to break you into this hyper reality slowly

it is like this: you get off the plane & somehow in the course of 6 hours everything has tilted a little bit

i was supposed to be teaching my first HOW TO BE A LOVE ARTIST intensive out here at Liberty & in the eleventh hour the whole thing dissolved, or no, what i had imagined or had expected did not materialize . . commitments were not followed through on, communications were unclear

it was literally the 11th hour, like this: i was watching LOST with kevin in brooklyn after booking my car for 9 in the morning to take me to JFK & my phone kept ringing & ringing & I was ignoring it because, you know, & i was making cracks, like those damn kids of mine

don't they know i am watching my show

but it was not my kids it was beautiful murshida who runs the show here at liberty, leaving me a message (since she couldn't reach me) that things were not as they seemed to be just a few days before & that perhaps a new arrangement could be made & would i please come anyway

i am not going to lie

this girl hit the roof for about an hour & called all my peeps looking for someone to feel my rage

but there were no buyers, except for those damn kids of mine ;), jules & mara, who i must have raised right, because tho sympathetic, they both put me on the road to find the mystery

& that's what i did

after all, the car was coming anyway, in just a few short hours

the opening was there

it would only take the letting go to slip through that crack

& that's what i did

stay tuned

real quick

heya

just thinking about you in the love desert and missing you here, so I went to read your blog & got a little hit of you - sounds like crazy things have happened out there - tell tell when you get a little time.

xoxo love

s



gonna write some more on the blog in an hour or two but real quick: at the last minute several people dropped out & as there were at least 2 partial scholarships they were unclear how to move forward . . i didn't have a contract with them, lesson for next time, but they believe in me so much. so they asked if I would come anyway & they would make sure I was well taken care of (so well taken care of) (& my beloved assistant giorgio for whom i am so grateful & who i love so much) while i was here . . so i am running 4 day living foods cleanses at both centers, doing random love appointment with the ashram communitie(s), and writing, being, doing some meditation/writing exercises to go along with the cleanse & it is very very very very magical & it is very clear that i was meant to be here  . . .

(it isn't called the school of invisible arts for nothing)

in the kitchen

to begin with, it is like every cliche you might think of in southern california, in a cultish, new age kind of way: ranches out among the big rocks, hot tubs under the stars, everyone hanging out naked half the time, the other half in the lotus position but . . . not really . . the folks out here at liberty advance work really hard, tending to the land & the temple(s) of love & bringing that love to the world

it's kind of more like a cross between that (what i just described) & even cowgirls get the blues & an amma devi bhava & some kind of boot camp of transmutation, kinda gonzo meta-hippy, kinda really sexy, major in a heartbreaking (open) love factor & throw in a handful of semi-lost, now becoming found, souls hell bent on finding the way through the practice of hard physical labor, rigorous spirituality, commitment to themselves

& did i say love

oh yeah, & then throw on top of that, me in the kitchen in a little apron w/ giorgio, mixing up my wacky blended green detox diet with a little kim chee or maybe some papaya on top, kinda like some primal jungle italian mama gone new millenium homesteader

it's a rigorous schedule, blending for the masses but somehow it has become the most primal love performance, setting up a gravitational pull that even the most whiny cowboy is having a hard time resisting

& the stars are so beautiful, i can't say it enough

uranus come home daddy

speaking of stars, i was given the keys to one of the many vehicles here at liberty the other day to go pick up giorgio at the airport (i asked for the  yellow trans am muscle car but it was a standard & oh, you know, i hate to admit, i am that kind of girl . . ) & aljabar slipped in a cd as I was settling into the more family friendly vehicle, some kind of ford suv, & told me it was going to blow my mind & it did

it was a talk by someone named john hoyle who is the founder of Voice Activated Integration (VAI), a somatic therapy that works by allowing us to accept that:

1 ~ we are many, many identities

(it has now been confirmed by science that there is not central or single identity, that we are a matrix of identities)

& if we accept that then

2 ~ we cannot judge any of these identities as they are all us & therefore

3 ~ an integration is possible that we are resisting when we believe that there is one, triumphant, perfectable, manageable identity . .


please excuse my bastardizing this large & brilliant theory by rushing in & let me get to the nut of my transmutative experience in the car, driving through the spectacular surreal rocks of the high desert (cause it IS all about me, for the now)

one of the main myths of separation (that he spoke about on the podcast, anyway) that cause deep suffering is the myth of  uranus's (the universe's) coital union with gaia (the primal energy of earth) . . .

again forgive me if i get this wrong but i believe it goes like this:

gaia gave parthenogenic (asexual pregnancy without seed from a male) birth to uranus or the universe & then if that was not powerful enough, they started a mainline sexual chemistry that rose above all sense or respectability to join together & populate said universe

the problem was that uranus, being so expansive

& of the stars

couldn't bare the countenances, faces that is, of all his mortal, earthly children, the rumor is that he felt shame at the sight of US

yes, it is us, we are his children that he was so horrified to witness

uranus wasn't ready to be a daddy and tried to stuff the new life back into Gaia's womb . . .

ok, this is horrifying enough &, of course, just a myth, but i was electrified in a way that felt like truth, tears in my eyes, as i was traversing the spectacular pre-mexican landscape of open, raw earth

here is the deal that john hoyle presents (& again, excuse the weaknesses of my massive paraphrase for the economy of the blogosphere):

this split between the star father & the earth mother is the split that is not only the base of the split that causes many of the environmental dilemmas of today, but it is what hoyle refers to as technological cancer, rampant light (& not always light as a force of good but light as electric energy, light as computer-based technology) that is not based in relation to any real human (earth) context that can be integrated

it is not only that split

& it is not between good & evil

this lack of judgement, this no good & evil, is essential as his theory is that some cultures more represent the light/star consciousness (white european) & some represent the earth consciousness (basically everyone else), so we know how well that imbalance has worked out but thank god

no judgment here

it is just imbalance, like cancer ( & now let's not be judgmental about cancer, after all

they are only cells growing as best they can in the only way they know how)

growth out of control by a disruption & an inability (by gaia) to catch up, to regain her balance in the face of hot sex & then rapid abandonment (sound familiar, anyone)

ok, so before you think i have totally lost my mind out here under the blazing desert sun, what hoyle proposes, in this balance between identities is that there is a way of speaking to these selves inside of us that will heal

by loving respecting & accepting

by not blaming

but by seeing & knowing & loving all the sides of the conundrums of us

the method for this is based on some fixed lines of dialogue &, of course, if we were to enter into private therapy with a VAI practitioner, we would create our own dialogue . . .

so now we get to my private moment:

he asked us to repeat this line ~

(sit quietly & get a sense of your body hearing your voice resonating inside it

your body much louder than your mind)

WE WANT TO TALK TO THE ONE, THE MOTHER OF THE EARTH, WHO IS FEELING NOW THAT SHE MADE A GREAT MISTAKE ALLOWING THE STAR CONSCIOUSNESS TO COME IN

THIS MOTHER HAD TO SUPPRESS A FUNDAMENTAL PART OF HER HEART TO ALLOW THE LIGHT CONSCIOUSNESS TO GET A HOLD IN THIS BODY AND NOW SHE IS FULL OF GRIEF AND ANGER BECAUSE THIS LIGHT CONSCIOUSNESS HAS CAUSED SO MUCH DESTRUCTION FOR HER CHILDREN

then he said

do you feel something when you say this?

i have to admit i felt a deep sadness & an overwhelming panic but it was not the same grief as i heard other people responding to on the cd

while i felt the pain of the mother, i felt more than ever

my star child inside of me

that was my allegiance

to move fast over the landscape, to create new worlds from nothing, to live as a breakneck lightning bolt

& my panic was over the abandonment of my uranus daddy

the loss of that daddy to show me the way so that i wouldn't be fumbling down here on earth, where sometimes

i want my daddy

especially on days (years, lifetimes) where nothing looks familiar & no one looks (or feels) like me

(except for those of you who do)

oh god, enough of me, i'm going to go get in the hot tub ;)

giorgio the love creature

intent

the night before we started our detox here at Liberty 4 days ago, i sat everyone down around the dinner table & asked them to form an intent for the cleanse, both a physical intent, as in a substance to be purified from the body (the all time favs: sugar, coffee, cigarettes, of course, among others) as well as a higher intent: something larger, a life issue that the surrender of the detox would aid in

in that higher or larger intent there were also similarities: to be more present, to be more humble, to be more in the flow, to be more of service

not always in so many words & of course not always the same, but there seemed to be a group purpose that was unsaid yet totally clear . . .

i gave up my coffee & have felt the effects 100 fold: i am so grateful to feel so deeply, so deep in my body, rocking in this yummy landscape, slow, hypnotic & a higher form of lost in all my Picnic at Hanging Rock-ness, to sleep the narcotic dream sleep of really resting my nervous system, something i haven't felt in months

& that prepared my platform for the higher agenda:

to surrender completely to my open heart in this day & in this present moment

to be in love with myself

to be complete & then

to be surprised by the love that swarms towards this honey

absolute & total love without question

the sanskrit prayers that have occupied my last days:

aad guray nameh, jugad guray nameh, sat guray nameh, siri guru dayv-ay nameh.

(translation: i bow to the primal wisdom, i bow to the wisdom true through the ages, i bow to the true wisdom, i bow to the great unseen wisdom)

oh &

sat patim dehi parameshwara
pronounced: (shat pah-teem day-hee pah-rahm-esh-wah-rah)

(translation: please give to me a man of truth who embodies the perfect masculine attributes)

i'll keep you in the loop . . .  xox the love artist

desert love appointments pt 1/xander

started my strange & lovely love appointment practice here a couple of days ago.  i haven't done love appointments in my classic style in a long time -- one person chosen or who has done the choosing of their own volition, sequestered away in a romantic setting for a hour or so, to be adored by me as if they are the only other person in the world & all that one moment might comprise . . .

here at Liberty Advance it is not necessary to construct a romantic environment, the hills are filled with dakini caves, labyrinths & serendipitous love temples that are delivered by the aforementioned (many time) big rocks thrown like strange dice everywhere the eye can see

the other night, as a detoxing group, we sat together in a circle & performed one of the Empty Room meditations that sal randolph & i did together at Open Engagement last fall where you hold hands & close your eyes &, beginning with one person, make a gift inside of yourself for the person to your right, without speaking & without moving, really make something, either an action, or sound or building or cooking, etc

not just visualize but truly feel yourself moving & making inside your mind

& when you are done, you squeeze their hand & then they will do the same for the person to their right, til the hand squeeze goes all the way around the circle

you don't have to tell what the gift was

it's kind of awkward & a little uncomfortable even for me

but i love the awkward & uncomfortable

i had xander & the next day we had a love appointment hanging out near the labyrinth & i read him the piece of writing below in between a lot of hugging & overall yumminess:


of course i felt green but then i gave green

i couldn't help but give green

it was a holding for xander

i couldn't hold him tight enough

it was the kind of holding that was on the edge of squeezing something out of someone so they would know what to hold in

like the days at Latham School when we would literally sit on the violent girls when they were acting out, when they were about to hurt themselves or each other, when they were about to ignite & we would sit on them wherever it happened, there wouldn't be time to wait

sometimes it was in the driveway or parking lot, if they were trying to run away or sometimes it was in the kitchen in the middle of tunafish sandwiches & brownies

sometimes it was in a threshold, in transit, neither here nor there

a trigger would take place, you could have never planned for it & the strategy was to find a way to lay the child

really they were children though most were bigger than me, many lifetimes bigger than me

but the strategy was to lay the child down & keep them there til they broke into surrender, with as much pressure as possible

this was a therapeutic tool

& at first it seemed like punishment or limitation, for a long (sometimes very long) time

& there were a lot of tears & more swearing, a lot of hatred

hatred of being held & hatred of not being held

organic rage that shook the three adults holding & sometimes this would go on for hours . . i remember looking at the clock, i remember silently communicating with my "support team" most of whom i didn't know very well & didn't know me, we spent so much time like this, pressing & holding

but we were together when the break came, one minute you were spacing out & the next minute you had a crying infant in your hands

a mewling

a defenseless, spent & somewhat broken spirit, ultimately vulnerable & at your mercy

it was in moments like this that the words came out of you spontaneously

you weren't allowed to say i love you

of course

but we could say that everything will be alright even if we didn't know if it would ever be

& since we officially used restraint as a therapeutic tool, we could hold them tight to us & we could breathe in their hair & we could rock them

in this way i rocked you xander

in a field of green

first i spun you around with our heads tilted back til the sky was no longer & then we fell & i wrapped you & wrapped you & held you & then there was a nest & i left you there

on second thought

on second thought:

sat patim dehi parameshwara
pronounced: (shat pah-teem day-hee pah-rahm-esh-wah-rah)

(translation: please give to me a (wo)man of truth who embodies the perfect (integrated) attributes)

being naughty

the love artist delivers post detox chocolates to the ranch hands on her way out of town

giorgio the love creature fig. 2

hydrotherapy aka "love art"

it's a rough job being the love artist, but clearly, someone has to do it


smooch

desert love appointments pt 2

don't get me wrong my little desert love bunnies, it is not that i loved you any less than xander, who i dedicated a whole post to . . .

it is just that the giving meditation moved me so much & xander had the serendipity to be sitting to my right at that moment & my love flowed so mightily in his direction, like the ocean would have flowed if it was given a direction & channel & object of the gift of all of it's potency . . .

& besides, that piece of writing was really meant for all of us & that raw (no pun intended) time we spent together out there, without chewing, & without giving up & in love each of us totally & completely with each other

our intent was so strong, that

i felt the turn in my heart

at the dinner, when we broke the fast, at the moment when the intent was released, the concentration dissipated & suddenly we were separate people again

it reminded me of the moment, when i used to do ecstasy, even if there were hours & hours of fun left, but that moment

that moment

when i could feel inside that i was not going to get any higher but that i was heading home alone, even if i was with someone, i was leaving that union with every living soul

even if that sense of union was artificially induced, it was not fake, it was just amplified

maybe the heartbreak was the fact that i couldn't see the clarity of the union when i wasn't high (but i can now), maybe the heartbreak was that the other people weren't as open (but we can be now), maybe the heartbreak was that my preferences & aversions got in the way when i wasn't chemically split open (but not now)

the fact is now, now, between the true love project, kundalini, & wheatgrass & living foods, i can get that high

& stretch it way out, across the sky of me & you, no drugs at all, just green

yeah, i had that dip at dinner but it didn't diminish the rush of you, all of you:





christian, beautiful truck driver man, broken wide open & lovely, asked permission to touch my nose & pet it, reminded me of my old beau, tony millionaire who used to pet my nose & tell me it was velvet like a cow & i liked that . . . i sang to you christian & only you



jason, you took me to dark place between the rocks up high & showed me why you were you, about an inch from my face, we could be brother & sister you know, we could, & it wouldn't be wrong either, two siblings so crazy in love



fred, another beauty, i loved you anyway, even though you hardly let me, i snuck in anyway & didn't let you go once, i didn't need to look into your eyes, i saw you through the palm of my hand spread wide



we almost got away, didn't we denise, we almost had an adventure, i believe in you no matter what, & just because i loved all the boys, it doesn't cheapen my laser vision into you, i see you & i see you & i see you & wow (i don't lie, i never lie)

the subtle threshold

going home tomorrow

a different love artist

(way) beyond love

me & isa love (absolut)


photo by absolut beauty

the labyrinth pt 1

i love labyrinths

i am not sure why exactly. it's a little like my hopscotch & jack fetish, being a little girl, the repetitive task, the trance.  it's also my durational love, my love of spinning . . & of getting lost.  i also love a riddle & i love to make a wish, i love to pray & i love, love, love to get dizzy

there was a labyrinth at Liberty Advance that i stumbled on the first day i was there.  i was climbing on the rocks & i saw  these odd white stone markers of various shapes, low to the ground, in circles & semi-circles, surrounding what seemed like a brick monument . . . I climbed down to explore & found an intricate labyrinth with cryptic crystalline arrows embedded in the ground as emissaries to guide me (or fool me as the case might be) through the scrub & brush

i walked the labyrinth, said my prayer & landed, not at the shrine as i had expected, but at a second, more fragile location, a tall spindly platform off to the side, with a tiny statue of kuan yin & her many gifts at the top

my prayer was:

sat patim dehi parameshwara

i later found out that kuan yin was not the designed destination of the labyrinth (of course) & that (or course) it was the stone construction, a hollow brick structure filled with an extraordinary vase, that was in turn filled with exquisite & cherished objects & then closed up

i had lost my way

i also found out that the labyrinth had been set by tim & roberto, two former residents of Liberty Advance who had been my cronies last year when i inhabited the dakini cave & held my love appointments. tim & roberto & i used to meet behind the shed & smoke cigarettes late at night & it was those two that i chose to help me sweep the cave & bring everything to a higher level of homeostasis when i finished loving & was about to return home





roberto is a mexican curandero with an immense penchant for pot.  he is the sweetest thing ever but easy to miss, there are times when he is almost invisible.  he asks for very little, says very little, only communicating if absolutely necessary with an economy of language.  when he does speak, he does so with a thick accent & haltingly.  you really have to pay attention

roberto told me about a labyrinth that he wanted to take me to, right on 4th street in Long Beach, down the street from Rudra.  He described the location, next the the viento Y agua café behind a chiropractor's office

i walked down there, looking for a secret garden & found nothing & then i forgot

just a few days ago, the first night i arrived at Rudra Long Beach, the sister ashram to the Liberty ranch, i thought i was being escorted to my usual sweet guest room but when promiss so graciously carried my bags up the folding ladder to the attic "zen temple" – the attic dormitory that houses anywhere from 4 to 8 Rudra devotees, I got more than a little claustrophobic.  i mean we all know what a princess i am & i know about working with your preferences & aversions but i am the Love Artist after all & i had arrived to do a little Love healing through some ultra green food as a gift to the community & tho i believe in humility & graciousness . . . the zen temple was NOT what i had signed up for when i offered my labor of love

i had been detoxing for days & needed a little privacy

i followed my bags & attempted to make myself a fort in the zen temple, being the good little gypsy i am

& i did spend one night there

til i asked for what i needed & got it

but that is another story

the thing is i woke up that morning & there was a body curled up in the corner, a man, that was not there when i had crawled into bed the night before.  i stood over him & studied his face

it was roberto . . .

the labyrinth pt 2

a labyrinth is not a maze

a labyrinth is an ancient symbol that relates to wholeness. it combines the imagery of the circle and the spiral into a meandering but purposeful path. it represents a journey to our own center and back again out into the world. labyrinths have been used as meditation and prayer tools for centuries.

walking the labyrinth can be considered an initiation in which one awakens the knowledge encoded within their DNA

a labyrinth contains non-verbal, implicate geometric and numerological prompts that create a multi-dimensional holographic field. these unseen patterns are referred to as sacred geometry. they allegeldy reveal the presence of a cosmic order as they interface the world of material form and the subtler realms of higher consciousness.

on the journey in, towards the center, one cleanses the dirt from the road. on the journey out, one is born anew to consciously dwell in a human body, made holy by having got a taste of the Infinite Center

~ LABYRINTHS

i couldn't find the labyrinth because it was painted on the ground, hidden underneath some cars & motorcycles, under the guise of a parking lot

roberto did not forget my promise.  he remembered it like i had said it yesterday

i prayed for love again:

sat patim dehi parameshwara

  & i didn't make it to the center

again

the labyrinth pt 3 (humble)

so ms propheta says

you are the center

& my love, my mirror, superstar linda viens says

finish your book beautiful

& roberto says

in mexico we call bread bread & wine wine

& then he said

say what you mean & do what you say

then i laid on the ground in front of him & asked him to cut away all that was not essential

& he did

smile (it's gonna be ok)

a famous kabbalist wrote, "through joy you can give renewed life to another person who is in a state of depression (or another fallen state.) by approaching them with a happy face you are able to give them renewed life"

smile. you never [know] whose life you can save

(thank you rave berg, thank you rob cohen & thank you cocorosie)

plugged in

at this very moment i am at home, laying in the bed that serves as a couch in the large 2 roomed parlor of the rambling apartment i share with giorgio.  i have a bedroom but it mostly serves as a dressing room, strewn with clothing & pieces of art (projects) & books & candles.  i like to sleep in the window, equal distances from the fake fireplace, the altar & the big flat screen tv.  i like to look out at the park & tell time off the street clock.  i like to sleep with people chattering below me.  i even like the train whistle(s) & the changing traffic lights

for some reason, sleeping in the living room makes me wake up expectant, like a kid on christmas morning

i like it

i am hardly ever home for more than a few nights in a row, but now, right now, at this very moment, i am settling in.  i have unpacked, scrubbed the floors, bought some new incense & some new sheets & some groceries. i sit in (the other) window & stare out & breathe.  it feels good, if a little sad, to have stopped moving around for a while

right now there is a new media, site-specific show in my town, called plugged in & coincidentally me & my boys: jonathan (peacock), deep & giorgio are in the show too, so it's really like some kind of ongoing joint birthday party . . last week we were all on a wicked charette, running all over in our various mad tech furies & this week there is video art going on all over the place, some running all night long, haunting the lonely after hour quasi victorian/post honky tonk streets . . J & D & G's piece is called

Eutopia VIDEO art Phalanx

& it's one of the over the top ones that fill the night. it's on a billboard right in the middle of town & we have had to babysit it & check on it at all hours. it's may but it's been cold & we bundle up & stand in the street & watch the clouds & the visions.  they appear to be on some kind of magic carpet & through the illusion of blue screen they pull people up onto the carpet off the street & we on the ground get to watch what is in everyone's minds, what is in everyone's prayers . . . it is very loving & inclusive of everyone in town & in the middle of the night, when everything is quiet & the moon is heavy & full, i feel in love with the sky & everything (again) & the whole town (which makes me want to stick around for a while) & especially these beautiful men who love me & who make me feel so cherished

intimate apparel

my piece in plugged in is kind of groundbreaking, earth shattering actually, for me . . actually leaving a remnant of love performance behind, a piece of love for purchase, the crafting of a solid, palpable love that can be returned to again & again, in the private possession of a single art patron, a piece of the love artist for purchase

existing outside of the passing moment between me & you

inside this gorgeous piece of jewelry designed & executed by my brilliant collaborator jenn trask is a flash drive holding a single edition of a tiny little erotic love promise & whisper by yours truly, really sexy, if i do say so myself & pretty, pretty special

i would show it to you here but i wouldn't want to whore up my vows of exclusivity with my yet to found particular love patron

i may be the love artist, pledged to love the world, but i am actually fairly traditional in the moments that i pledge my love

if i say i belong to you, i mean it

however through this weekend i belong to all of you & you can come & view the video at ornamentum gallery at 506.5 warren street in hudson

not sure where it is going after sunday, hopefully home in someone's hot little pocket, but i'll be sure to let you know if it will be traveling to a treasure box near you . . .

"how do you belong to someone?

this is what i want:
to be supplicant, to surrender
to be absorbed completely
osmosis

i will surrender specificity and belong to absolutely anyone, as long as the surrender itself is absolute & forever . . "

~ the love artist

princess nola grows up

this is rather long, but i am such a proud mommy love artist . .

the lovely princess nola will be graduating next week from high school & this week i had the honor of hearing her address her whole school in her "chapel" which is  a breathtaking ritual that they have at concord academy, where each senior gives gratitude to everything that makes them who they are . .


(excerpts)

"I am Glatz # three, the weakest link.  Sometimes Glatz #1 lets me sit the front seat, but only with the clear understanding that the backseat is the better option.  Glatz # 2 is driving us through California or New Mexico or Arizona or maybe Alabama and I am staring at the map, calculating the time until our next destination.

There is something meditative, exciting, and frustrating about a road trip.  We grow to feel that four hours of driving is a short stint, and get used to arriving to people’s houses after dark, and often saying good bye the next morning.  Our plan to send thank you notes from our next destination deteriorates.  Our car breaks down three times.  It is hard to tell if we are happily content listening to music or if we are in the middle of the silent feud, fueled by glances in the rear view mirror and audible sighs.

With my sisters, it doesn’t matter, because we know there will never be a fight big or significant enough to be the final straw.  My friends used to be frustrated with the amount I talked about my sisters, commenting that we are abnormally close, the three of us sharing a room voluntarily every summer.  And although the ten days driving across country was certainly tight quarters, I’d rather be with you guys than anyone else.  Even when I don’t call.  Or return texts.  Mara, Jules, thank you for being so constant.  Every time I say good bye to someone, or something, I know I’ll return home to you . . . .

. . .This year, right now, I know that it is time to say goodbye to concord.  And I am good at saying goodbye.

Earlier than my earliest memory, my parents got divorced, and I began a skill I have since perfected kind of; packing.  Every Friday of my childhood, I cleaned my room and packed my bag for a weekend at my dad’s house.  My dad would drive up in his Econoline van, and we would go to the A&P together, picking up Pillsbury Biscuits, eggs, and several cartons of orange juice.  I remember sitting in the front seat of the car, probably because my sisters were off roaming the town with their friends for the night, a hobby that never particularly interested me.

If it really does take a village to raise a child, I am extremely grateful for all my parents’ relationships; the various men and women who became temporary members of our tight knit family and helped raise me.  I never chose when to say goodbye to them, and they remain honorary members of my family . . .

. . . . Saying hello, saying goodbye, saying welcome back, watching the ebb and flow of my parents’ relationships has left me with no model of lifelong love.  I can’t imagine that being married to one person for my whole life could be better than marrying someone for twelve years, having kids, and then parting ways to continue life.  I don’t know if this is a flaw or a gift . . .

. . . Saying goodbye makes me appreciate every little thing . . .

guerilla smooch

and as long as i'm doing the proud mama thing, just wanted to give a shout out to the princess, soon to be queen, mara, my beautiful oldest daughter, ruling & transforming the world, one body, one hula-hoop at a time, teaching joy & pure sexiness with her BFF moya with burlesque hoop moves on the street, in the clubs, on the beach, anywhere you look, in provincetown this summer with their hula hoop troop guerilla smooch

you gotta love real true girls gone wild & you gotta love love

mirror

"When advising the Dalai Lama, the State Oracle wears an elaborate costume, including this mirror on his chest. In deep trance, he looks into the mirror, not directly, but through another mirror held by an assistant in front of him. Through this doubly distant vision he foretells the future and gives advice"


the events of the last week are not honorable, or not consistently so, not dignified, pretty messy:

1. finally got back to home, & didn't want to see the pdaddy, haven't seen the pdaddy in 5 months, was kinda cocky about it in the face of ignoring a whole lotta email, texts, presents, etc but for all intents & purposes have not let go, mostly out of a negative enmeshment disguised with a whole lotta messy-like-whip-cream-&-honey-(& blood)-mashed-into-yr-couch-&-carpet-so-hard-you-may-have-to-just-throw-it-away real love


2. had my opening here in hudson, which is really only about 3 blocks long, & even tho i perfected the avoiding your ex in a small town while living in ptown in the 90s (many scary desolate winters, but that is a whole other novel) thinking i was so smart, decided to break my sanity fast & see him for lunch so it wouldn't be so traumatic to see him at the opening


3. of course, thought i was so cool, tho i did indeed play it uber cool at the opening, tried to see him again a few days later (did i say i broke my sanity fast) & a coffee turned into a walk turned into dinner (did not turn into what you might think, but i am not proud to say it, cause i still broke my sanity fast & i am still insane) & spent way too much time in the temple even when it was clear that nothing had changed i pressed on anyway in that ridiculously would-be-tragic-if-not-so-cliched way we all have of flirting with our exs where we fantasize about going back to the beginning but we really know we will just go back to the torture of the end (ok with maybe a brief erotic encounter if you are lucky ;) . . . and if you don't relate, you either have amnesia or you're lying)


4. a few days later i realized how deep into i was in my head & tried to separate from the narcotic enmeshment by being mean, to maybe scare him away or shock him into a behavior i could accept as the man i want to be with

LET ME INTERRUPT THIS TO MAKE THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT:

i, as the love artist, do sincerely believe, with my whole heart, in accepting people for who they are, RIGHT NOW & also do believe, with my whole heart, in no expectations, but there are some tarnished love mirrors that get more obscure the more you try to fix them

& there are some relationships that get under your skin & into your veins like chemical warfare & you can't shake the virus how hard you try

&, as the love artist, i do believe in the goodness of all beings

underneath it all, even the infamous & rauschbold . .

5. then i thought, no this is not the way, this is not elegant, this is not with grace, this is not the love artist way

so i called again

to have better, clearer closure

& you know that never works out

6. let's just say that

& i am fessing up big time now

yes, i was trying to be good, but really i was trying to win somehow, somehow wanted the last word, wanted to leave with a little power in my hand

& i am not proud of this

but i was still just that angry & shouldn't have been playing poker against the love card shark

shouldn't have been trying to pretend i was so cool, cause i'm not

& it still hurts & i still hurt &

i am not ready to swim in the deep water w/o my lifeguard HP

7. so i am here to say that i cannot fix it anymore, i am humble, i will not be embarrassed

i am full of love

& that sweetness will carry me, that gentleness will carry me

love hurts & can play dirty til you turn it over, til you stop trying to get your own way

8. & i say all of this at the risk of feeding the demon of this narcissism disguised as love as it has played out on these pages

& i say that with love, you know i do

refraining (reminder) again

"i once caused your cells to shimmer,
and you once caused my cells to shimmer
(now we go all the night without love)"

~elvis perkins in dearland

the thing is, falling in love rarely brings security

falling in love rarely brings the things you think you need to feel safe

falling in love rarely brings completion

. . . & falling in love almost never ever brings satiation

this causes almost all of our pain, my dear love warriors

when we fall in love we want more but the fact is

WE ARE MORE

we don't want to be more, which is our liberation & what we are here for

we just WANT more & more & MORE

the love does not comply with this & then we are frustrated

falling in love cracks us open & suddenly we are absolutely everything, absolutely everything, absolutely everything

love, a world without borders . . .

this is uncomfortable

our psyche experiences this as a reverse void

we feel out of control.  at first it feels amazing, love, like the exquisite drug that it is, but after a while we start to feel edgy & then the amazing feeling starts to scrape the bottom of the bowl, like boredom

you know the kind of boredom I am talking about, when boredom has an ache to the edge of it, like the last bit of pleasure has been worn away from the sensitive lining of the inside of our skull

we have reached the edge of sensation with that particular lover, because we kept going back to the same sensation, wanting the same thing, over & over, back to what made us feel more than we ever were . . . the shimmer of love cannot survive this over-harvesting . . it is delicate & it's pleasure can be finite when it is connected to a precise physical body outside of oneself . . it becomes a dependency

we want the love to make the pain go away

but the truth is, that in the long run, love makes the pain (in the body) worse

it begins to remind us of all the places we have held onto hope

hope that there will be an easier way

hope that we will finally be cherished

like we know we deserve to be

love makes the body ache in the almost ridiculously sad & tragic places where love has not (seemingly) been able to grown before

but has maybe been growing there more than anywhere else

more than ever before

it is in the truth of the gorgeousness of this ache that we will be set free

but we continue to exhaust ourselves

using all of our strength and stamina to hold the ache away

& convince ourselves that it will stop if we just try harder

we try harder and harder & then

we push each other away

we try harder and harder (& the subsequent pushing away) because we felt like

we were missing something in the first place

before this lover ever ever showed up

your poor Beloved pushed away for not filling a hole they never made

pushed away for this missing thing that the Beloved seemed like

it might be

but could never really be

oh no, it was the wrong one, this time

if only we knew that the outcome of love was dissembling rather than completion, if only we knew that our lover was there to remind us of the glorious plasmic chaos from which we were so were born & in which we have the wondrous opportunity to swim EVERYDAY then there would be no blame or disappointment

ever

we would know we had arrived at the right place

& as there is no end to dissembling, there would be no boredom, we would endlessly become more essential by the act of loving

because there was never a perfect way of being, not either of us separately nor all of us, together

& then opening one's heart to love, & the beautiful chaos of dissembling would become so non-specific that we would no longer ache at all

ever

because there would be no more resistance

& no expectation of the other

& unlimited opportunity

the fact is

we are shimmer

depth charger

woke up all groggy but made a green smoothie & got on my knees anyway this morning

i can be so cocky

i am perpetually amazed at how big my ego is, not matter how diligently i work at it it seems like just a fine dust wears away, micro particles

but i have a big heart all the same

need to shower myself in those big fat love rays today

soak it up

just so hard not to do it perfectly

to be messy, to be vulnerable

i only like to be messy when it is sexy, but what do i know

i once told the princess nola (the ultimate perfectionist from the womb) (& i am sure i have said it here) we were made imperfectly so if we are perfect we are actually imperfect.  i don't think she believed me, but it's worth a try

i'm big on tricking myself til i believe something, this totally goes against my perfection model, but i also believe in growing, i so believe in growing, i so believe in planting seeds, i am a virtual johnny appleseed of love & hope & faith, i can't stop planting seeds

so today when i am not feeling so cocky & like i rule the world, i remember a little ritual that i was taught:

when you are angry or disturbed or unhappy with someone, find a divine icon of your own choosing, make them as real as possible, take your disturbing (potential) loved one, wrap them in a blanket or covering so specific to them (a blanket, a skin, a ray of light, a sleeping bag, a dusting of something) & bundle them tight, swaddle them like the infant they once were, innocent, & hand them over so gently & with so much love to the divine one

& really let go

handing myself over today, along with a few others, my goddess' arms are full up

for a long time my divine one has been an immense black woman, many houses high & her feet are in the ocean & her hips are wide

i remember telling princess jules about her when she couldn't sleep (i am sure i have told this story here before but no matter). i told her to leave her problems outside her door while she was sleeping & that god or the angels would take care of them while she slept. since i didn't really teach my children about god but the catholicism would creep in anyway, she had to ask me who/what god was & i lent her my black goddess

she isn't my only god, i have many, wheatgrass works, as does the invisible ether on top of the ocean, as does the night

another ritual for letting go (also involving water):

i see the difficult beloved (person place or thing) in a boat, a beautiful boat & i hold the tether in my hand & let it go & let it float away, not hard but soft

fan mail

dear love artist

sometimes love is an emergency. no time for sanity or plans. it's dangerous. maybe

or maybe not. i don't have a crystal ball

and if i did, i'd use it to divine what's going on in the present, because i don't think i'm too swift in that department

but anyway... i believe in commitment. not so much to another person or a relationship (although i do like that very very much) but commitment to Who I'll Be. . . me? i'm committed to contribution. you? i saw the word "honor" right out of the gates

you'll know your honor's on a roll when everyone around you becomes honorable. so take a look - you may not be in such bad shape!

[disclaimer: i'm in a totally scrambled emotional state right now, so take what you need and leave the rest.... and the kindness is still there for the taking]

xo
s

blogosphere confessional (cliche)

3 days ago, in the middle of the pdaddy slush-a-thon i was trying to name as

processing . . .

he attempted to hand me the sunday times magazine cover story article on blogging, which i declined stating something disingenuous like

that's-not-me-i-don't-do-the-confessional-thing-i-am-much-more-guarded-than-that

but i took it home surreptitiously anyway . . now it is 3 days later & i just cut all bullshit of superiority & knowing the right way & admitted to

6 months of provoking & manipulation (of pdaddy) through theloveartist.org & admitted that not one blog was entered without some kind of flirtation, seduction or punishment or some other controversial use of my assumed power over him

it was painful & humbling but clearly necessary & (seemingly) appreciated

i feel like i just took a shower

clean

the healed relationship (reminder)

~ from the course in miracles:

"the holy relationship

a major step toward the perception of the real world, is learned

it is the old, unholy relationship, transformed & seen anew

the holy relationship

is a phenomenal teaching accomplishment. in all its aspects, as it begins, develops & becomes accomplished, it represents

the reversal of the unholy relationship

be comforted in this;

the only difficult phase is the beginning

for here, the goal of the relationship is abruptly shifted to the exact opposite of what it was. this is the first result of offering the relationship to the holy spirit, to use for its purposes

this invitation is accepted immediately, & the holy spirit wastes no time in introducing the practical results of asking it to enter. at once its goal replaces yours. this is accomplished very rapidly, but

it makes the relationship seem disturbed, disjunctive & even quite distressing

the reason is quite clear. for the relationship as it is is out of line with its own goal, & clearly unsuited to the purpose that has been accepted for it. in its unholy condition, YOUR goal was all that seemed to give it meaning. now it seems to make no sense. many relationships have been broken off at this point

& the pursuit of the old goal re-established in another relationship

for once the unholy relationship has accepted the goal of holiness

it can never again be what it was

the temptation of the ego becomes extremely intense with this shift in goals. for the relationship has not as yet been changed sufficiently to make its former goal completely without attraction, & its structure is "threatened" by the recognition of its inappropriateness for meeting its new purpose. the conflict between the goal & the structure of the relationship is so apparent that they cannot coexist.

yet now the goal will not be changed

set firmly in the unholy relationship, there is no course except to change the relationship to fit the goal. until this happy solution is seen & accepted as the only way out of the conflict, the relationship may seem to be severely strained

it would not be kinder to shift the goal more slowly, for the contrast would be obscured, & the ego given time to reinterpret each slow step according to its liking. only a radical shift in purpose could induce a complete change of mind about what the whole relationship is for. as this change develops & is finally accomplished, it grows increasingly beneficent & joyous. but at the beginning, the situation is experienced as very precarious

a relationship, undertaken by two individuals for their unholy purposes, suddenly has holiness for its goal

as these two contemplate their relationship from the point of view of this new purpose, they are inevitably appalled. their perception of the relationship may even become quite disorganized. & yet, the former organization of their perception no longer serves the purpose they have agreed to meet

this is the time for faith

you let this goal be set for you. that was an act of faith. do not abandon faith, now that the rewards of faith are being introduced. if you believed the holy spirit was there to accept the relationship, why would you now not still believe that it is there to purify what it has taken under its guidance? have faith in your friend/lover in what but seems to be a trying time

the goal is set

& your relationship has sanity as its purpose. for now you find yourself in an insane relationship

recognized as such in the light of its goal

the healed relationship . . . . "

mind over matter

"the mind plays an important role in the eating process. . .our attitudes & beliefs about what we are eating are at least as important as what we are eating. it is possible to overcome the natural laws by thinking positively that even junk foods  may become nourishing. i do not particularly recommend this practice, however, because

it has us spending energy trying to overcome the natural laws rather than living in harmony with them

although the mind IS stronger than matter

it requires extra energy & focus to convert junk food into something nutritious . .

for most people this doesn't work too well . . & can become a way of avoiding the healing process . .

author & religious leader Terry Cole Whittiker, who teaches the power of mind over matter in everyday life, once taught that it did not matter what one ate because it can be transmuted by the mind. . . the question can be asked

"is this a worthwhile way to spend one's valuable mental energy

by using it to overcome the effects of junk (sic) food intake?"

once Terry Cole Whittiker experienced the power & higher vibration of a raw food diet, true to her dedication to her own evolution, she adopted more of a live-food diet.  since being on such a high powered diet, she has lost 50 pounds& feels at least that many years younger in vitality . .

god, through nature, has given us the natural nutritional kingdom, so why try to fruitlessly transform the worthless dust of junk food into the precious gold of whole, raw, organic food?

though blessing one's food, can transform any edible item into a higher vibration food

why not seek & eat the highest vibration food to begin with?"

~gabriel cousens "conscious eating"~



now everyone knows how much i get turned on by a field of green

& i am not being cute

it wasn't always this way, i used to call it rabbit food & didn't think a meal was complete without a bowl of spaghetti & a few loaves of crusty bread, which actually sounds pretty great right now lying in my bed & i also have to admit i woke up this morning & had a couple of brownies with my tea, right in my bed w/ my computer . . even before my shower, which is the way i like my dessert

first thing in the morning, on a clean palate

but this is something i have been thinking about a lot, slightly in the reverse of the cousens thinking & not re: food but re: relationships

how much what we think affects our experience, how much what we think affects our ability to absorb love

what are our filters from our life experience

continuing the food/nutrient analogy: it is as if, by the lessons of our youth, we were able to actually shut down the access of our blood to our food . . the food is there but the active transport of the nutrients from the digestive love system into the blood & out to our vital love organs is blocked because we can't help ourselves from thinking:

it's not good enough
we're not good enough
it's not in the right package
we're not ready

we should be somewhere else

something else should be happening
i can't
I AM NOT EVERYTHING

assignment

go see sex in the city today

i don't care if you are the only man in the theatre, you can handle it

watch it all the way to the end


be back monday

xox tla