white flag

i am still on my quest to simplify.

it's not like i have much choice: paralyzed by a stiff neck a week or so ago & then last friday cracking my head like a prize fighter just bending over to get my shoes

some people think i have been playing with too much of the high stuff: the green, the raw, the spirit medicines & let us not forget the holy love that i have been ingesting through every orifice & that includes every pore of my skin & there is not a free radical left unpaired in my chemistry . . & it is not just mr kingsley that is breaking my heart on a regular basis, it is absolutely every one of you & your friends & family . . i am back to loving the world full time, over time . .

some people just don't understand the commitment . . & i guess i'm an easy target when i am falling down & getting banged up . . it reminds me to be compassionate & not be judgmental when i actually have no idea what is going on in someone's life, which is 95% of the time, i mean i am not even 50% sure of what is going in my own life, especially, especially lately . . which brings me back to my quest . .

so, tho i am not sure what is happening at the very core of me . . i think that one of the reasons i keep falling on my ass is because of the powers out there WANTING ME TO SLOW DOWN

listen, i am the kind of girl who loves, loves, loves to take to my bed, specially when i have such a super willing lover waiting for me, but this is ridiculous, i mean

i have so much to do

& the craziest part of all of this is that when i have ended up completely STILL, i have not been able to read or write or be on the computer, both injuries were to the head so i was forced to lay still & not even pick my head up off the pillow, just laying inside of my own skin . . & what i learned from this was that things fall away, they just fall away & tho i still have my moments where anxiety wanders into the room like a stray cat & i wonder

who let that in?

i am continuing to explore the places in between that are opening up like the great white glaciers of antarctia i was able to witness in herzog's ENCOUNTERS AT THE END OF THE WORLD last week (in an injury clear period) where as it says on the website: off the map, things get strange

i loved that movie

where the tiniest thing is the biggest thing & the biggest thing is the tiniest thing, where the scientists & travelers just surrender to the immensity & complexity of all that is solid & white & yet not what it seems like at all

i have always been obsessed with surrender but i thought it was just a sexual fetish

now i have cells surrendering to cells on the daily, i kid you not, inside my body i feel some hot spots & coiled knots giving it up, that i have carried long long before i was even wished for

anxiety like stray cats that can leave as invisibly as they entered

vats of love oozing to the surface like secret oil geysers, enough fuel to get me to the other side

to you

& you & you & you

off the map, things get strange

Comments

[lynn]

as you no doubt understand at the deepest level, there are limitless layers of surrender, pockets and envelopes of surrender, and hidden veins of it, eluding discovery but craving it all the same. something about which I've learned a fair amount this summer, an age of unanticipated disability at Bar 9 Clough. Which is not to minimize the excruciating and divine release of sexual surrender. Indeed.

thank you for your words K.
L

[the love artist]

eluding discovery but craving it all the same

this is the thing about surrender, craving it is borderline pleasurable (at times) & horrifically painful (at times) . . anything else just wouldn't be a real interest in surrender & both actually are not surrender at all

that i think is why we crave it so much, we want to learn how to manuever that button, that release button

it gets easier but i think it's a different machination every time, in every situation: we might get better at it but we still need to find it again

but, forgive my ignorance, what is Bar 9 Clough?

love you lynn

[joe crow ryan]

When I grew up in Pennsylvania
In Two-Thousand-One and Two,
The body work I was given had me talking to the things and events lodged in the knots:
Their passage out replaced with new events.
You know this from your stiff neck, no?

Sexual surrender?
If I were only attacked!

[the love artist]

prayer, mr ryan, prayer & i am sure you shall receive . . .;)