the love shack diary

may 8

waiting . . .

elle & raph

 

may 9  

the labor & birth of the love shack

(thank you jonathan & patrick & john & elle & chele & rick)
(it's a blur)
(thank you)(thank you)(thank you)
(little bow of my head)
(my heart)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

may 9



(on the phone w/ paul hurley)
(long distance amore from cardiff)
(this is a good thing)
(better than the heavy pouting earlier)
(sometimes cute but usually trouble)
(sometimes love art is a high wire act)
(and paul certainly knows this better than anyone)

may 9

the inner core/ the love staff





the lovely lovely chele



beautiful elle



kathe & elle in love & on the computer

may 10

the first appointments

the rose love

(we love each other immediately)
(it is almost hopeless)(soft skin sisters) 
(catherine deneuve says over 40 it is you face or your ass)
(those of you who know what that means know)
(the rest of you well I'm sorry)

 

(women are so beautiful, it's almost a crime)
(for ourselves mostly if we don't know it)
(we were almost separated at birth)
(it's the ones that love automatic with the foot on the gas pedal that make me cry)
(cause it's me)(is it boring to love yourself)
(the tears came and came but I tried to keep them to myself)
(you noticed)(you asked me if there was something wrong with my eye or if
I was remembering something)
(of course the tattoo came out)
(beloved)
(keep yourself first)
(and first and first and first)
(no matter how many lovers you have lined up)
(or not)
(you read lord byron to me)

so we'll go no more a-roving
lord byron

so we'll go no more a-roving
so late into the night
though the heart still be as loving
and the moon still be as bright

for the sword outwears its sheath
and the soul outwears the breast
and the heart must pause to breathe
and love itself have rest

though the night was made for loving
and the day returns too soon
yet we'll go no more a-roving
by the light of the moon

(beloved)

(accepted)

matthew

(oh I love you)(couldn't you totally tell)
(I was shopping on ebay when you came)
(love or shopping)
(I can't help myself)
(I told you every secret)(did you hypnotise me)
(you had just come back from walking at the lakes)
(and smoking)
(and I longed to smoke with you love but the love shack is smoke free)
(by necessity)
(which doesn't seem quite right)
(don't cigarettes go with love)
(sorry)(it is my past)
( but we must keep the temple)
(making love between past & present)
(letting go)
(you kept referring to your new start)
(finding yourself clearly makes you happy)
(new & clean & bright)
(we smoked on the way back to town)
(so in love we almost got hit by several cars)
(you told me it was ok)
(I believed you were watching out for me)

(smmooooch)

may 11

naughty/ stealing the rose petals

it's all a little overwhelming at the contact theatre, so much going on and I don't want to sound like the diva that I am, but I'm used to a little more coddling, a little more handling, a little more of a buffer from the audience at large, but I am a trooper at heart and, (as I straighten up my spine) . . . I can handle it . . . (sniff) . . .  it feels a little bit like the santa kiosk at the mall, you know where you get to sit on santa's knee and tell whether you've been a good girl or boy and ask for your wildest dreams . . . and I guess I am santa, which I don't know if it's better or worse than being thought of as either a therapist, a prostitute or dear abby, but I tell you I'm just another person, and sometimes a little grumpy . . . actually it's the kids you have to watch out for at contact, they're really brazen and keep stealing the rose petals, which I guess it could be worse, I imagine them pulling those rose petals out of their grimy pockets later, at home, before they go to bed and wondering . . actually I love that, now I want them to steal . . . it's just the way they do it, right in front of me, defiantly, looking me in the eye . . I mean, I'm right in the middle of a love appointment and I don't want to lose the flow, but the strict mom in me wants to call them to task . . . it's a sharp and narrow road, tough love . . it's a good thing that in my compulsiveness, I hammered some of those petals down (now I am smiling, laughing to/at myself)(love)

 

gaetana

(it's so funny you came back)

(I remember you so from Harvey Nix)
(you went through the valentine boxes of the crush museum and chose the pictures of my life that made a story for you and read it back to me)
(you never stopped to see what I thought)
(you were so bold)(I just listened)(I didn't have to do anything)
(it was like going on vacation)

(we embraced like old friends)
(we got into it)

(archeology & narrative)

(the rising sun of winter vs the setting sun of summer)
(the belief that the warmth will come again)
(remembering)

(building to the rising sun)

(we're talking Bronze Age here)(I don't know, like 2000 BC)
(to be so simply thankful for that the sun has come again & there is no darkness)
(everyday)

(for you gaetana):

I remember inside a tent in the woods
the shadows of the leaves flickering against the fabric
I have no light
I used to be afraid of the dark
now, indoors I can walk through a house unaccompanied
in the night

a tent can be indoors
it is now daybreak
I eat up the morning & the answer of light
becomes the qualifying substance
I am light
I am home
the molecules break through
the concentration of my body
then the tent 
then the landscape

(love!)

simon

(big bear hug)
(today it is about depression & why & does it take us to the other side & does it really make us stronger
& is it just the other side of intense creativity)
(being in love)(staying in love)
(still getting that text after 9 years in love & that feeling in your heart)
(you are so full)
(full & full & full)
(you have liberated yourself)(it was a choice)(remember that)
(I didn't know you then but I can love you retroactively)(in some kind of hindsight)
(& stroke your brow)
(even though you have enough love)
(I can tell)
(you're lucky)

(joy!)

joey

(taking a ride together)

(beginning with non-monogamy vs polyamory)
(and ending with fucking with just about everything we know we are)
(or thought we knew)
(or pretend to be)
(I'm so hopelessly retro & beyond theory)(or maybe before theory)
(or just slow)
(a slow moving train picking up passengers)
(a femme self absorbed train)
(which isn't so bad) (really) (be honest)
(maybe not self absorbed but more like chronically inborn & reflexive)(organic)

(i get so hung up on the body)
(on the soft body at birth)

(isn't that the nature of the origin of love anyway)
(or maybe you don't think about that)
(where love comes from)
(but if we are to surgically dissect gender)
(and by that I am not implying that it wasn't fun)
(wouldn't somehow in that dissection there be some avenue of exploration
into the matrix of life itself)(which at the very core would be love)
(because even as an gender outlaw one must be born)

(ok enough of me)(really)

(thank you for your kind patience)
(you're pretty smart)
(I learned a lot from you)
(sweet)
(transformational consciousness)

peggy

(beautiful skin)(striking really)
(familiar)(though we haven't met before)
(we both said that we'd felt better)(a little down)(or elsewhere)
(& by that maybe we were better together)
(maybe)
(I had gone outside to take a break)
(so often I feel like I just can't do it)
(but I'm a girl of my word & I continue)
(& it surprises me)
(the love)

(it was so special between us)(wasn't it)

(I worried you wouldn't think it was art)
(I was too worried about what you thought)
(I had to work hard to let it go)
(I was struggling with this even as I said:
when I worry about how people experience this work I am lost
&
I live life with a lot of gusto (or something like that) I get a lot out of life . .
(I don't know)(did I really say that)(god it all sounds so corny)
(but how can it not be good if I was struggling to be myself & be seen)

(because I cared)(about you)(what you thought)

(you spoke about grief)(and then having to work)(I felt it)(I know it too)

(having to show up & work & grieve at the same time)

(your sister)(your life)(your truck outside the green room not inside with you)
(not knowing what is next)(being soft)

(I don't know either)
(what is next)

(summer in upstate ny)
(dusk)
(eating a little bit)
(being in the car)
(children)
(grandchildren)
(partnership)(even in this moment)(you & i)

(integrity)

may 12

procrastination/ can't ever get out of my room

Overwhelmed and feeling behind it's hard to just jump in here.  I've been procrastinating like crazy, made myself actually leave my bed and the hotel at the ungodly hour of 8 am to get a huge redeye from Starbucks, forgoing my usual lolling around the bed for a good hour, meditating and yoga, then staring at the screen for what seems ages and relatively mindless correspondence, you know, kind of touching everything I know and love before I can leave the house.  When I'm at home, I try to get up really early, when I'm not otherwise occupied, but then I make a habit of living in relatively unexciting locations or let's just say slower environments so that an early bedtime is manageable.  This is absolutely essential as I am such an excitable girl and living outside of a lot of commotion is the only reasonable way I can get some sleep, at least for the 55% of my life that I am actually at home.

So I walked up Picadilly to Starbuck's and on the way I tried to think constructively about the shack and how to really make it grow . . .  I've been doing a lot of sitting around and talking, and by talking I mean really loving, but it's kind of the default the talking, isn't it . . I mean it's what I know how to do best, I suppose, but can't you just love someone by being next to them, can't you love someone by noticing them, breathing them, really paying attention or then maybe just by being yourself on the planet with them.  I don't know for sure obviously but I do get tired, not of listening, cause I love a story, but of waiting for something to happen . . . when it's already happening, it's been happening, a whole lot of synchronicity, all of us, forever . . .oh god, I hope you know what I mean.

At Starbuck's there was this little girl sitting at a table with what could have been her mother and father and grandmother but the coupling was hard to figure out.  They were a scruffy family, not remarkable or pretty, really.  But the little girl was something.  She was so excited, really excited.   She was maybe 4 years old with a disheveled ponytail, dark hair and she wore a dirty little yellow outfit, matching shirt and skirt, the shirt with gathered short sleeves and BARBIE in hot pink handwriting across the top.  She was telling a story and she kept making that YES motion with her hands, you know, when you raise two fists up in the air, and then pull them sharply to your chest and close your eyes, you know, like Yes! Yes! And then a kind of mmmmmmmm at the end, with the head bowed to the chest and holding there for a few seconds.  I don't know what she was talking about but the man next to her, maybe her father or maybe her brother, he looked so young, maybe 17, but looked so much like her and he was laughing like crazy and he was doing the YES! too.

I loved them.  Obviously. (& effortlessly)

On the way home there was a placard, I think it was about education, I'm not sure and there were two teenage girls and they were making some kind of dress for one of them, it looks like it's made out of bunched up plastic bags and they are both giggling, and the type says something like: OUTSIDE OF THE BOX? THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A BOX.

Really everything goes so much better when I get out of the way and just show up like it's my job so I took the love responsibility a little more constructively and I went out and bought some pansies and some verbena in the hopes of getting some or at least one of my patrons to help me figure out some gardening in the hopes that getting some dirt under my (our) fingernails would liven it all up a bit.

may 12

it started to pour

will

(you started to pour)
(& pour & pour)
(you've been loving me really well all week)
(I just wanted to let you know that)
(I noticed you there behind the desk @ the box office & you are always smiling)
(at me)
(I needed it)
(i need it)
(thank you so much)
(you brought your travel journal with you) (from your trip to the states)
(you said later that you had wanted to tell me another story)
(we barely got there)(to the other story)(the story of your first love)
(when you were a boy)
(blackpool)(by the sea)
(kiss me quick hats)
(growing up not really the footballer you appeared to be)
(but we could barely catch up on your childhood)
(you were racing)(to california)(san francisco)
(you told the story of a lost love) (lost)
(I could hear in your voice that you thought there might not be enough time)
(& I kept thinking for what)(enough time for what)
(there was/is enough time)
(you need to breathe more)
(I was really listening)(I really was)(I kept looking at your face)
(your eyebrows)(your mouth)
(it was impressive how much you wanted to do the right thing)
(that you would wait for love to present itself in a way that would hurt no one)
(is that possible)
(I used to tell my kids that love & life is not fair)
(it doesn't add up in the end)

(turning the power on)(over)
(the best break up sex ever)

(breathe a little more)

(passion)

barney

(I stayed with you but you were a roller coaster)
(jamaica)(manchester)(the hacienda)(the dry room)
(chinese opera singers)(doodlebugs)(close blond nappy hair & kilts)
(am I still with you)(I asked you about your love life)
(we're both loners)(we're both)
(loners)
(you better come back barney)
(you got to liven up the shack)
(I'm counting on you)
(karma coma)
(psyience phiction)

(me & you)

(paradise)

(& then later):

hola k . . . just to say muchos gratias for the loving spot on
could've easily continued for the whole evenin
wil hook when bak   tail end a next week
enjoy xb

(more paradise)

martin

(I could tell you really wanted to come)
(& I love that you didn't hide your enthusiasm)
(in the world)
(full on)
(making shit happen)
(I asked you were in love & you said with making things)
(I asked you what was your main story)
(you know behind it all)(if you peel it all back)
(I said my story was about speaking the truth)
(after you peeled it all back)(whether I was speaking in film or poetry or just being)
(you said you had two main stories)
(you said the first one was control)
(said it was all about control all the time wasn't it)
(authority or just two people figuring it out)
(I asked you if you were a scorpio & then we never got to your other story)
(you were)
(you told me a story about love)
(I asked you how it went)(you said tragically)
(& we both laughed like crazy)
(it was an Indian girl when you were 14)
(her parents hated you)(they sent her away)(no goodbye)
(i told you would be loved again)
(i got a little chill so I know it was the truth)
(I heard you say it)ITHE TRUTH)
(you left a poem for the love shack):

The S & M Cafe

I was down in Islington with a girl one day
When she took me to this place, the S&M Cafe
She whipped me with the bacon, I said "don't be rash"
And the stuff she did with bangers was totally mashed
The shit we got up to was flippin' obscene
She handled my sausage while I was flickin the bean
She was going so fast, I could hardly catsup
I did her doggie style, had the sloppy seconds bagged up
What she did with corn on the cob, just a-maized me
I smothered her in sauce, but yo it was all gravy

(you're too much martin)
(but pretty perfect)(you cheered me thoroughly)
(thank you)
(chains)

may 13

phone home

It's raining out.  I had nightmares about losing my phone, sleeping in the street, yelling at Chele and making her cry.  Chele leaving me alone to handle my own scheduling.  I wasn't doubting the love, because I know it is genuine and I know it always works, but I was clearly having an anxiety attack.  I always say whatever happens is perfect and although I do mean it, I think it's easier for me to feel that is true for everyone else but myself.  I mean on the one hand I am here to love my audience and that mission should make everything easy, easier than those who have traveled here to queer up north to do major productions where everything is coordinated, the light, the sound, 2 hour long scripts to be memorized or worse or more difficult, 2 hours of improvised madness that must hold tight . . . by contrast all I have to do is just show up and be me, but really the sense of validation that I know I would have if I performed a herculean focused and traditionally productive task would be a balm right now . . . just being me and feeling that that is enough, just feeling that it is all enough, weighs on me in equal measure to the flight I feel when I just know and can follow it.

I called steve this morning and I had to ask him three times how he was before I got an answer to my question "how are you?"  I am sure he thought he was answering me the first two times when he said, "lunar" & "stirred" & "being in my skin" but then finally I knocked again for the third time, cause I love him so & I did really want to know how he was, that he started to talk about the details of his day, stuff I'm sure he didn't think I was interested in, but of course I was & even though I was really listening, the details didn't really matter, what mattered is that I was able to contain some of it for him for that time, be the annex so to speak, and, how did I say it yesterday, it was effortless . . I should remember that, the effortlessness, because it is precisely this lack of effort that sometimes makes me feel that my work is not enough & that I can't compare it to other people & that makes me even a bit bored with myself.  Why do I feel like I have to work so hard?  It just kind of creeps up on me.  I'm trying to remember one of the last things steve said, what was it . . .The only difference between us & love is . . I can't remember.

may 13

the sleepy & dark garden

(w/bsl interpretation)

It was quiet at contact when I arrived on saturday.  I had hurried, invested in a cab.  It was rainy & dark & queer up north had invested in the services of a sign language interpreter, Siobhan Rocks (& she did really rock --  for me and @ armistead maupin as well later, signing words like cock & sphincter as well as the more literary passages with grace & ease) and I wanted to be there to greet her. 

No one else was around but I got ready, turned on all the lights and picked up around the shack.  There's always vestiges of visitors from the night before, candy wrappers & footprints.  Yesterday I found a Jedi fighter on the lawn.

My first appointment was late and I asked Raph, Elle's son, if he would help me with some gardening.  I had salvaged some teapots and assorted vessels from the prop room.  He got all excited.  Then Borhan showed up, so we all got our hands dirty.  Elle & Siobhan & Salina helped too.

 

 

 

may 13


love in the afternoon

borhan

(you were really quiet when I asked you to sign the paperwork)
(I thought I came on too strong)
(but then I didn't know what you were thinking)
(so I just got busy and left you alone)
(thank you for being so sweet with raph when we were planting)
(you had a special energy)
(I saw it that day with your nephew)
(I thought maybe it was your son but you looked too young)
(when I ripped open the bag of soil you said it smelled fresh)
(we stuck our hands in the dirt)
(you & raph placed the flower pots down so gently)
(you placed them on & in the "lawn")(raph placed one at the very furthest tip of the shack almost falling off the edge)
(when we sat you told me of your love of your country)
(you sunk low in your chair)(I didn't want you to worry)
(about me)(about what we were doing)(about your life)(your country)(your mother)
(you love the opportunities here)(your eyes filled over both)
(country & opportunities)(so much)(love)
(you told me you wanted to be an angel)
(to build a contact theatre to iran)(to teach kids there how to have a voice)
(I was sorry we didn't have that much time to talk)
(but it seemed important to plant the flowers)
(freedom)

john

(you arrived so promptly & I was impressed you took it seriously)
(I have a bad habit of a lack of trust around both men & butch girls/bois)
(I like a player)(a lady's man)(god love them)
(it's a challenge)(I really do)(& then I test them)
(this is horrible coming from the love artist isn't it)
(it shows such a lack of trust)(I try to override it)
(I do my best to override it)(it is important to be in the moment)
(to lay aside everything you think you know)
(if you're going to love unconditionally)
(so you were on time & I wasn't)(you waited patiently)
(it was funny to sit up there on what has become the love stage)
(here in the contact theatre)(I lowered the lights a bit)
(we giggled nervously)(I was such a geek)(I brought up the Z boys)
(I wasn't just trying to be cool cause of the BMX thing)
(I really loved that movie)
(I wanted to know about the whole thing)(I wanted to know about the fear)
(I wanted to know if men felt less fear than women)
(physical fear)(was it bravery or unconsciousness)
(I wanted to know how you knew in your body that you could do that)
(rise 10 feet above the ramp)(and know how to hit it)
(just right)(or how you knew or where you went when you knew
you missed it & you were heading down)

(here is something for you)(something I wrote just a week ago)
(back in NY before I met you):

she had heard about people who fetishized care crashes
who lived for the thud, the impact & the possibility of peril
she supposed she was no different when it came to love
like when you take the curve of the swimming pool
like infinity like an exquisite mathematic equation that worked out like god
she often wondered about courage or was courage not the way at all
because courage implied some kind of thought process & somehow
she knew that thinking was what brought pain and being was above pain
& being was different than not thinking . . .

(you were real & honest & you held me in your gaze)
(you told me about getting up early & fishing & your cat George)

(I told you that you reminded me of tony millionaire)(that is a big compliment)
(he is one of my favorite loves ever)
(a totally impossible love but a favorite all the same)

(you tried to tell me everything)
(I heard you)(I saw you)
(you stuck around)(I came around)
(even though I kept referring to your BMX groupies)

(keep in touch. you would make a good friend. nice to have met you. X)

May 14

sunday

I woke up at a reasonable hour this morning and luxuriated in the knowledge that there was no work today.  Today Contact is closed.  I rarely get a day off when I perform these love gigs, as one of my specialties -- alongside love, making tea, staring intently and giggling – is endurance.  I love the altered state of being exceptionally tired but, like the endless contradiction that I am, I love my bed too.  I LOVE MY BED.  I can't say it too often.

I love to be very very quiet.  I love to be still & do absolutely nothing.  For hours.

It is work, any of you who think sitting up there and giggling and making toast is easy.  It is work although, as I have said ad infinitum, I do mean it from the bottom of my heart.  I do. I do.  So much it scares me a little sometimes.

I told Joey the other day, that sometimes I can feel my heart growing.  I can hear my heart growing, that pounding you get inside your ears. That feeling of being larger than the skin you're in.

It reminds me of the first time I gave birth, sitting outside my house on a stone wall, staring at this big tree that sat in the middle of my driveway and realizing I could feel my hip bones moving inside my body.

Giving way.

Last night at Armistead Maupin's lecture/reading, I saw one of my paramours from a few days ago, Will from the box office.  He was standing on line holding his journal, waiting for Armistead to come into the lobby to sign books.  We embraced, like the lovers that we were and I said, "see you at work." He smiled a big smile.

May 14


after a bath

I am waiting for my costume to arrive for my show coming up in London at the end of the month, The Musical Theatre of Love, part of the Wild Gift exhibition.  I don't want to give too much away here, but is a highly stylized & complex outfit – sexy, but strange, almost a cartoon.   It is very different from the jeans and shrunken suit jackets I wear everyday, as the love artist & as myself, but then they're a costume too.

I will be myself anyway, of course.  I am myself. I believe in Love & I believe in Truth & I believe in The Moment at Hand between two people, unadulterated.  But the quiet listener in me is feeling a little bit claustrophobic.  I want to feel a little bit bigger.  I want to play harder & I want to take you with me.

There comes a point in almost every love session where the person who has come to me tells me that they are a loner.

I say I know. I am one too. I am.

I asked Elle about it this morning on the phone.  She was asking me about a very flirtatious appointment I had been anticipating & I was lamenting the awkwardness of it, even though I knew inside that it had been spectacularly intimate & how much each of us had been touched.  But no real touching happened . . . til the very end & the repeated hugging & a surreptitious snog into the little hollow under the jaw, the michaelangelo drift of the fingers on leaving.  It was so earnest, too earnest really for a casual kiss -- how could I take something that wasn't mine?

I remembered an appointment last month in London where I just went for it, smashing through that tiny crack, the window of it sometimes open only for a second, a head-on collision make out session, just to prove that I still could.   There was a thrill & I felt awfully cocky but although I obsessed about it for a few days, it evaporated quickly.

Elle says as humans we really aren't all that social.

She says I question what I am doing because I think nothing happens & I think nothing happens because it is right & I don't have to make anything happen.

When I first started to love people as art I loved to be the bad girl & it was all about seduction.  It was all about pushing up against being afraid & jumping of the cliff & wrapping someone up in me & despite my pirate high, I must say it rarely ended well or cleanly.  I felt strange then & I feel sad now, a lot of the time, but I feel clean now when I look my lovers in the eye.

Is not this ringing chill up the spine, the quivering of the scalp, the TRUTH, is that not love?   
Not a love for but a love within? 

Does love have to be delivered to be real?

What is the skin that stops between me & my art patrons?  What is the skin?

may 15

just waking up & remembering

yesterday @ the rangoli workshop in sackville gardens, someone gave raph a lavender balloon & of course he was happy . . . & then it popped.  just before the tears came, I mentioned to him that that was what happened to balloons.  with a solemn face & those ancient eyes he said I know.

and then later when I brought elle & raph back to my hotel room, & we all laid on the bed with our boxes of take away watching music videos & the promise of the simpsons coming up in just 20 minutes, elle, like the wise mother she is, mentioned that it was time to go home & raph wailed from the marrow of his bones . . . who would want to go?  as she consoled him in the bathroom & prepared him for their departure, I could hear him cry, but I will miss her. . .

may 15

hump day (and no one was crying)(maybe on the inside)

jon

(I thought you had come last year)
(I felt like I knew you)
(you brought the white tiger & I pulled out the other tattoo)
(rarely seen)(I told you you brought me solace)
(you have made me feel welcome at contact)
(thank you for your smile)
(I told you secrets in a nonchalant way)(unusual even for me)
(resentments)(codependency)(being in charge)
(mafia levels of banishment)(the vault)
(then maybe a soft shell)(maybe)
(I told you about falling in love & you let me gush)
(I sang to you a little bit)(god what was going on)
(I was shy)(I didn't really pull it off)(something good)
(codas & b flat)(discipline)
(you told me about the going out after you broke up)
(one more time)
(you had tickets)
(you said the fauvre requiem was yummy)
(that is one of my favorite words)(vapor is another one)
(you told me you loved music that ended peacefully)
(rather than violently)
(that faded away rather than just ended)
(mahler)(song of the earth)
(the goodbye)
(radiate)

may 16


ok i give up

I woke up this morning, all irritable & frustrated . . . god knows why, I am so lucky to be able to do what I do.  Anyway, I had a super long checklist inside of what was not working for me & it was giving me a headache & I slept like shit, checking the clock every hour from 3 ish til dawn, when I finally slept a bit.  When I woke up, I got down on my knees & asked to be relieved of my cranky self, please please please relieve me of the bondage of self & then I got up & made my way to contact, finally picking up the bread for toast, along with some organic butter & some orange marmalade.  the girl behind the counter complimented me on my choices, which I thought was funny, but what can be better than bread & butter & jam.  I got to contact, and just to fuck with my head a little more, my first appointment didn't show.  I made some toast & got a latte with an extra shot & sat in the shack & loved my self, all curled up in the power chair.  And then everything shifted.  Thank you.

tony

(after a brief administrative check-in)
(about burn-out & high ideals)
(we turned our thoughts to womanizing)
(were we flirting or comparing notes)
(I asked you what you liked to do)
(you said you liked to be happy)
(when asked to qualify that I think you said)
(I like to drink & have fun & flirt)
(womanizing vs flirting)(is it the intent)
(you looked genuinely sad when you questioned past behavior)
(on the threshold)
(I want to be a better man)(you didn't say that)
(another man said that to me)(just last week)
(to be a better man)
(I wanted to go back to this but you moved ahead)
(you told me your life turned all pear shaped)
(your mom died suddenly)(just this last March)
(lost my mojo)(just gettting it back)(smile)(laugh)
(I asked you if you missed your mom)(obviously)
(suddenly not such a smooth talker)(I really loved you then more than ever)
(I told you when my mom died was when she really started to love me)
(my whole life changed)
(you said you could feel your mother in you)
(I told you about my womanizer)
(I've loved many)(what does that say about me)
(but there is a gusto in loving many)(I have to look at myself)(I love that energy)
(I can't help it)(we were tight)(almost siblings)
(you talked more about your mom)(how you went to scotland)
(to the place where she died)(how you touched it with your hand)
(the very spot)
(your mom was wild)(you surrendered your sadness to her)
(so lucky for you)(before she died)(you knew her)(she knew you)
(you laid it down)
(you loved that one girl)(she left)
(it is all in you)
(magical)

crystal

(it makes me so happy when I see people who really want to come)
(you wanted it)
((beautiful girl)(beautiful smile)
(you were slow to come forward)
(true scorpio)
(I found that out later but I always know the scorpios)
(doodlebug)
(you work with your hands)(you love to make things)
(I told you about teaching knitting to HIV guys)
(I love to knit)(a secret skill)
(in the old days the women used to spin as a form of prophecy)
(I used to knit in front of the tv when I had tiny babies & I couldn't cope)
(it seems so long ago)
(you told me you would dress up & make fairy cakes & give them out at doodlebug)
(I invited you to burning man)(to be in the love camp)
(you are on your way to san francisco)
(if the cash shows up)(but you have a ticket already)(you're going)
(you had that san francisco gleam)(you will love each other)
(it took me forever to get to the question that I kept forgetting along the way)
(how do we separate love from sex)
(or more like does sex make you love someone more)(or less)

(or does sex make you crazy & then you fall in love or
does sex with someone you know & love get that much deeper)
(what is it that gets around the back of your head & creep up & grow
over everything)
(you made me this beautiful totem to love)(for love)






(a red cardinal on top)
(we pressed our fingers in silver paint & then touched the cardinal)
(I touched his heart & you touched his wings so gently)
(you wanted to come back)
(I wanted you to come back)
(joy)

katie



(well girl your smile is as big as your whole head)
(what a happy thing)
(I can't imagine I made that happen)
(you must have brought it with you from somewhere else)
(within)
(a rough weekend)(sleeping on the couch)(lots of friends)
(you love your friends)(& it's obvious they love you)
(you smell of it)(beautiful)
(you love your friends)(oh my god you love your friends)
(we talked about glastonbury)(we talked about stonehenge)
(big stones)(little stones)(touching)(not touching)(love)
(your best best friend)
(she never says no to you)(she says let's go)
(I told you about Penelope)
(taking acid & christmas & flying to NYC & seeing Iggy Pop)
(haven't seen her in 15 years)(hold onto your friends)
(you made me want to call her)
(sweet sweet beautiful girl)
(smile as big as her whole head)
(magic)

may 16

late

every morning I walk down canal street from the hotel, all the way to the very end, then to the left on princess to whitworth and turning on the corner I walk all the way down oxford to contact.

at night I walk back.

I usually listen to my shuffle, a random gift from my father, who knows nothing about technology.  This is a revelation to me.  I have been totally protected from the ipod/internal stereo phenonmenon.  I have three children who have ipods, there wasn't any cash left for me, so it is appropriate my dad bought me one now. i love it. thanks dad.

everything looks different with the music, like in a movie, romantic & far away.

last night I walked home late.  it was raining, of course.  I listened to just one song all the way home.

may 17

love to love you more

sonia

(it was an hour full up to the very tip)
(two mothers)(two lovers)(two)
(giggling you could be a beautiful young girl)
(you told me first of your work)
(the writing)(the love)
(I think the first thing you told me was about the women chatting)
(outside)(the men made the fire)(with their hands)(no matches)
(you giggled & said something like I rather fancy that -- the chatting)
(it was an installation)(later you said it didn't have enough structure)
(you battle with the structure)(and yet you present so strong)
(so full)(so clear)
(experimenting with love)(do I know what love is)
(do any of us know)(the romantic holiday in gambia)(the beautiful blossom of that)
(your boy solomon)
(how do we know how to be a mom)(put the baby in a basket & be on my way)
(who knows what love is)
(perhaps a gigolo)(pehaps an angel)
(free breakfast)(maybe free dinner)(what did you know)
(pumping water from the well)(you wrapped gold into your ears to remember)
(he brought)(you bought)
(you broke them out with pliers to begin again)
(wise)(lovely)(brave)
(thank you)
(honesty)

jenny

(you brought me barthes)

The Absent One

absence
any episode of language
which stages the absence
of the loved object --
whatever its casuse and its
duration -- and which tends to
transform this absence into an
ordeal of abandonment

Waiting

attente/waiting
tumult of anxiety provided
by waiting for the loved
being, subject to trivial
delays (rendezvous, letters,
telephone calls, returns)

(about absence)(& all it becomes)(a complete histrionic episodic drama)
(I get it)(more times than I would like to remember)
(it's like time is so mutable)(a passage of time can mean 20 different things)
(what seems interminable)(intolerable)(impassable)
(maybe only one afternoon without contact)(one hour)(20 minutes)
(can be a lifetime of separation)(or for the other)(a busy few hours)
(with barely time to think)(can we love without fear)
(fear on its own is bad enough)(really too much for any young soul to bear)
(but fear turning in on itself becomes intolerable times 10)
(& then the vortex involves everyone)(one afternoon)(20 minutes)
(becomes a tsunami)(claiming victims everywhere)
(ok kathe calm down)(but separation from the source of love is the beginning of everything)
(global warming)(nuclear proliferation)
(the dalai lama says the most important thing is to be affectionate with each other)
(he also said the most important human activity is how children are raised)
(the most important thing you said)(after we sat in our struggle together for a good 50 min)
(was that you liked to embody your writing)
(I'm still thinking about that this morning)
(I want to see that)(more)(in the world)(more)
(thank you)
(body beautiful)

dave

(dave)(dave)(dave)(dave)
(what a bright light you are)
(I bought the orange marmalade for you)
(I made toast)(again)(I don't get sick of it)(I love it)(really)
(you are moving again)(you love manchester)(so dear)
(you brought me remnants of a loved life)
(birthday cards from your grandma)(obsessive documentation of the dogs in your family)
(from your mom)(your aunt)(photos of old love)(the good)(the wicked)
(it was particularly moving)(you valued it all)
(the leveling of desire & love)(bringing equal value)
(I know that wasn't your intent)(you just wanted to show me)(yourself)
(through the love that was you)
(the teaching)(the giving)(the karma)(give out all your stuff)(freely)(get some back)(for truth)
(it's not so personal)(the love is right there)(you know love the one you're with)
(the rainy picture of manchester)(where you can see the bus coming)
(my favorite)(love)
(thank you)
(repatriation)

may 17

elle & raph

(the first time we all met)

(in the theatre of love)

(last year at harvey nix)

today i was on the computers at contact & raph sidled up to me kind of shyly & leaned over my lap & sighed & said, i don't know what love is (sigh) kathe, i don't know what love is . . .

may 17

another walk home

(with my umbrella from the pound empire)

 

may 18

yesterday there was a note with cherries in the shack when I arrived

today there was a rose with no note

(tony confessed to the rose)
(where are you charlie)
(come back)

may 18

prophecy/together in the day

sue

(so glad you came back)
(the camera didn't work last year)(at harvey nix)
(although our hearts did)(you were with your mom)
(she was lovely)(the part I remember distinctly was you
choosing the photograph of jules was she was little
on christmas holding the doll between the palms of
her hands)(cherishing the doll)(so privately)
(I brought that picture with me this year)
(your honoring that moment made me cherish it)
(you actually chose another jules picture)
(jules dancing with a little maid's apron)
(lace & ruffles)(& bunny ears)
(this year we lunched together in the shack)
(like ladies)(you carbonara)(me risotto)
(and you told me about your life)(your work)
(your love)(your redhead)(who freckles in the sun)
(you used the word compassionate about 1000 times)
(I loved you for it)
(how can one misappropriate the word soul)
(we are all soul)
(soul provider)(reaching across)
(morrissey irish blood english heart)
(richard strauss 4 last songs elizabeth schwarzkopf)
(your grandmother the first woman to wear trousers in her village)
(in 1937)
(denounced by the vicar from the pulpit)
(you & your man traveling to scotland to consummate your love)
(to hold hands in the forest)
(to visit his tree)(a tree named joe strummer)
(future forests of love)
(home)(separate but together)
(together)
(miniature schnauzer)

msfullphat

(you brought me a blanket)
(from your mother's home)(not the blanket)
(you told me your mother was in a wheelchair)
(I believe you said something akin to alzheimer's)
(you want to be with her)(you are with her as much as you can)
(the money)(the house)(the work)(the kids)
(the organisation as organism)(love & struggle & contact)
(oh my god I so understand)(the wanting to be more)
(to be there)(and there)(and there)
(the young people)(you corrected me when I said kids)
(I didn't take it harshly)(I heard you)(not to demean)(to respect)
(your daughter)(beautiful)(you are even closer now she is a woman)
(manchester a harsh place)(a crack to her eye)(her beauty)
(our children are vulnerable)
(your son)(all sinew & muscle & youth)(he will remember)
(you)(respect)
(every child is our child)(& from me you can trust that)

(your love poem)
(from your blog)(find msfullphat here)

look out.....
over there, in their eyes it speaks
volumes
each unique gaze of love

returning

(respect)
(trust)

victoria

(I squeezed you in)

(how could I say no to you)(you kept coming back)
(so patient)(& you wanted it)
(I need to remember that)(to see the one standing in front of me)
(who is ready)(& not to focus on the one that doesn't come)
(the one that just won't have me)
(you told me you retired from being an english teacher early)
(at age 25)(& you were spending your retirement funds)
(finding who you were)(you seemed more than happy)
(bursting)(you were so beautiful)
(we talked kids books)(i captured the castle)
(his dark materials)(weetzie bat)
(we talked darkness through to redemption)
(in a teenage head)(between us)
(thank you)
(release)

barry

(I last saw you at armistead)
(there was no ticket there for me)
(you gave me one of yours)(whose was it)(who were you planning to sit with)
(you were so fragile sitting next to me that night)(we didn't speak)
(your knee jingled)(I could feel how tired you were)
(you came to the shack)(you said we don't have to have an appointment)
(we could just sit somewhere & have a coffee)
(I said it is all an appointment)
(we started on the couch)(you told me about your sister & her illness)
(your partner & his mother)(we eased our way into the shack rather seamlessly)
(you brought me a fabric of love)(you told me your stories)
(I was able to love you easily)(I already loved you)(through all our business)
(perfunctory emails signed with love)
(the dogs)(the love)(peru at sunrise)(swimming w the dolphins)
(the zebras & giraffes out your window at disney)
(waving to your girlfriend from your window at college)
(finding her)
(those eyes)(I saw you fill out those eyes)
(love)

yvonne

(you present yourself so professionally)
(so impeccably)(I was surprised how much your presence softened)

(in the shack)(you filled every crack)
(we started so politely)(you brought me a roller skate)
(I interrupted you)(I never heard the source of the skate)
(I have to admit I was tired)(out too late)(I missed our eleven oclock)
(you had cancelled on monday)(& I had cracked a little with you)
(let you see my disappointment & fear that the love shack
would be unloved at contact)(it was just a moment)
(& since that moment)(without me knowing)
(you have been supporting me)(from another infrastructure)
(thank you yvonne)(I could feel it when you were sitting there)
(suddenly we took a turn)(& we were deep in the world of men)
(our love & strength & friendship found this place)
(in understanding the softening)(the vulnerability of masculinity)
(we were so unbelievably clear)(everything moved out of our way)
(the ability of the feminine to contain it)
(we were on the top of a mountain)(in a clearing)
(how did we get there)
(thank you)
(emotional bliss)

paul

(it's funny)(just like sue you came on the day I had no camera last year)
(there is no record of our time)
(but we started where we left off)(kind of)
(because what was begun last year)(the remnants is really just the growing)
(you are flower guy)(not because you know them so well)
(because you grow so beautifully)(without the fear of the withering)
(that is rare & beautiful)
(the attraction of the open & present & sensitive to the open & compulsive
& addicted & brilliant)
(we compared notes)
(in exhilaration)(a whiff of tragedy)(oh well)
(but the art of it)(the exquisite beauty)
(it is the trail of love)(comrade here)
(lovely man)
(embrace)

may 18

really late

ring of fire

the taste of love is sweet
when hearts like ours meet
i came to you like a child
oh but the fire went wild

may 19


pieces of me
pieces of you

may 19

you're going to make me lonesome when you go

 

rachel

(I was late)(I'm always late)(but you were the first one that arrived before me)
(you seemed fragile)(your dark glasses & tentative movement)
(I actually thought you might be blind)(I wanted to help you)
(you told me you felt manic)(you seemed vulnerable under the bright lights)
(I asked them to lower the music)(I ordered lunch & purchased you an espresso)
(I told you it was really more private than it seemed & assured you)
(tried to cover you in a way that was appropriately from my heart)
(you said you were taken off guard when you realized it was therapy)
(that comment made me gag)(oh god is it that)(but I know it's not)
(I'm not there to fix you)(I am loving you)(& it makes me wonder if making room for
someone else is so rare it seems like helping)(how far did we get from being)
(that being open seems like helping)(or goodness seems saccharine)
(I didn't know if that was what you were thinking)(I don't know what you wanted)
(I wanted to tell you to take off your sunglasses)(I didn't know)
(I actually doubted that I could love you without seeing your eyes)
(but something else happened)(I decided to respect the way you presented yourself)
(to me)(in whatever fashion you felt comfortable)(safe)
(I felt us communicating through galaxies & centuries)(our voices sliding)
(through corridors & costumiers closets & no skin at all)
(i imagined a substance of we feeling)(a cord thick and muscular)
(between our hearts)(but muscular like a stream)(a river of rapids)
(a slight pressure)(a touch)
(you brought me a bum & a pair of hands)(a man & a woman)
(good morning beautiful)(good morning handsome)
(what's good for the goose is good for the gander)
(please)
(fluid)

germaine

(why should you trust me)
(but you did)(implicitly)(immediately)(with abandon)
(beautiful girl)(you brought me the vestiges of your last love affair)
(it was so familiar)(when the love seems adequately finished)
(there are the pieces that just can't stay behind)
(you clean house in an attempt to move on)
(you brought me nesting tables)(one tiny one curled under the other)
(we made a porch garden out of it)(annexed the sitting room)(the parlor)
(I remembered kristyn & sharon)(both sending me everything I had ever given them)
(separately)(over 5 years)(without knowing of the other's actions)
(a box not of my stuff but of gifts)(on the top of one box a christmas card)
(that read I LOVE YOU & I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU)
(what makes us say these things)(I LOVE YOU)(I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE)
(love)
(release your (my) moods)
(tick the boxes of attention)
(you gave me slippers, a towel, a wash cloth, a VICE magazine (the drug issue))
(you tried to give me an old tshirt & some socks)
(we were so strong together)(weren't we)(vibrating)(I loved that)
(you told me about the cuttings)(it was in the very beginning)(which is where
I am now in my love)(& I could imagine the yearning & the truth)
(I tingled when you said scalpel)(like lust)
(& the separation of the skin)(& then you told me you carved into the spot again)

(after it was over)(but he was on his way)(& you were still wondering)
(the desire to revisit a love you left)(you know it doesn't work)
(but you still want it)(doesn't it just stay)(in some kind of parallel universe)
(doesn't it just stay)(molecular disturbance)(vestige)
(thank you for letting me photograph you)
(blood)

nicole

(i squeezed you in)(& now I'm so glad)
(another man)(I think his name was chris)(tried to squeeze in before)
(unfortunately there is just so much time)(but he had the picture of the children)
(on their way to be airlifted)(in a train)(waving)
(he brought to my attention a mention in a newspaper about the love shack)
(it said that "kathe izzo invites people to bring objects that express ideas of
home, belonging, loss & love . . . )(he said the children were leaving home)
(but that on their faces was love for their parents)
(I said that in love we always return to abandonment)(it is always right there)
(behind love)(it can creep up on us)(imagined)(it is waiting for us)
(you waited so patiently)(even though we had only scheduled a half an hour)
(we connected so quick)(sometimes necessity is the best lover)
(with a little desperation)(you were a still pool for me)

(you brought me:

to give your sheep or cow a large spacious meadow is the way
to control him

&

the less full of ourselves we are the more room there is for others

&

the sky is never surprised when all of a sudden a thunderbolt breaks through

&

do not take lightly small misdeeds,
believing they do not harm:
even a tiny spark of fire
can set alight a mountain of hay)

(thank you)(thank you)(thank you)
(you said you were a new pilgrim)(but it felt like you had been there)
(for a long time)(yoga & release)(& release & release & release)
(I long for you as you long for me)
(together)
(shanti)

nola

(we were sartorial sisters immediately)
(the black the jeans)
(I stared at your eyes)(I've been trying to learn the eyeliner)(the steady line)(the flick)
(I thought your eyeliner was perfect)(then you told me you weren't wearing any)
(you are prickly)(I was born old)(but so easy to love)
(it felt like a combination of eating you up & falling in)
(I told you I liked to roll out of bed like a man)(out onto the street)
(we hate men with a high maintenance profile)(well hate is a strong word)
(you asked me if I hated)(of course I said hate is the same as love)
(but I qualified that pat statement)(I said I usually resented people that had things I wanted)
(& I resented people more who had things I wanted that I knew I could get or achieve
on my own)(but I was afraid)
(& in that way I had compassion for those that resented me)
(the black mafia)(the female thing)
(but I have no time for it)(we were sister lovers here too)
(you told me about wearing heels to the beach by accident)
(w/ Luna & Tufty & the others)
(we laughed)(you are so yummy)(not sweet)(substantial)(dense with stuff)
(love you amanda)
(true)(artist)

jon

(when I see you move around contact)
(your presence is slow & shuffling)
(when You sat down)(your eyes)(startling)(many)(much)
(I made you toast)(you talked on the phone)(we were domestic)
(I wanted to tell you to turn your phone off)(but it felt nice to make the toast)
(while you took care of business)(sweet)
(we talked about your work)(we spoke about your health)
(you have so many people that love you)
(you favorite food is ice cream)
(we both like ice cream with stuff in it)
(you love it all)
(you hadn't eaten all day)(you were polite and wouldn't take
the last piece of toast)
(I gobbled mine)
(you told me about the pain in your heart)(the undiagnosed)
(the fluid in your lung)(too young)(unsuspected)
(the sticky blood)
(your secret darkness inside)
(your wolfness)
(your body unable to discern organs from infiltrators)
(home from trespassers)
(protect yourself)
(through the slowing you found yourself)
(the beautiful watery you in your eyes)
(intoxicating)
(you)
(focused)

chele

(I was so happy to see you)
(& so sad that we had some friction between us)
(I really did my best to push past it)
(you are not feeling yourself)
(the chele I remember)(not afraid of anything)
(being in love is so complicated)(feeling more beautiful than ever)
(loved)(desired)(& then not as strong)(not as free)
(how does that work)(being desired sometimes being a prison)
(the wish to be held become the wish to be possessed)
(we get high on being owned)(& then we can't fly)
(you were sick of it)(we tried to rearrange the furniture)
(cut out of contact)(to sit at a table & eat)
(I loved to feed you)(you became more & more alive)
(it's right there on the other side of your beautiful skin)
(on the inside)(& the outside)
(happyness)

 

may 20


there's a kind of hush

zadita

(I don't think I told you)(I was really not feeling well)
(it took all the energy & determination inside of me)(to show up)
(I have never missed a day)(it was only one more day)
(you were waiting for me):

love is what brought me here
love is a thought it can flow into our feelings
love can form into action, it gets many different reactions

do we make the choice to act on our love
or does our love have the power to make that choice for us?

love vibrates around us, through us and can lead us astray
astray from loneliness, our deepest fears & insecurities
it can enlighten our souls and bring us closer together

what is love's truest form?

there are so many questions about love and we can gain answers from it too

I'm in love with the idea of love and that's what brought me to you


(you told me love was in everything you did)
(I asked you what an average day in your life was like)
(you said you worked)(in a bar)(in a theater)
(you felt it was easy to love there)(I told you that working in a restaurant
was one of the first places I learned how to love)
(charisma)(things that happen when you're moving too fast to think)
(flow)(just knowing)
(on your way to NY)(celebrate)(run)
(you are in love)(you were private)(you want to be with it)
(you are so powerful)(your physicality)(your power)(was startling)
(embrace)







sunny wray



(sunny wray)(I've been waiting for you)
(& waiting & waiting & waiting)
(baby I know you love me)(I love you back)(but you have to show up)
(you were on your second appointment & I am someone who is always late)(but I started to get all cranky)(strict)(wrangly)
(but  you softened me right up)(who could say no to someone named sunny wray)(we had to jump into each other)(but we've been loving each other all week anyway)(the love is always in the venue for me)
(everyday showing up)(you made my coffee)(you & lou & blue)
(everyday)(you showed me the love)(we sat together)
(you told me about the work you were doing)(that made you late)
(you & borhan & martin & the rest of your gang)
(creativity as a goddess)(fighting the government)(or on the run)
(trying to make love to your creativity)(& also in love with everything that
stands in the way)(at the same time)(the love of weed)(what is it so strong)
(not just you)(the love of distraction)(static)(but there is beauty there too)
(is the addiction the love of your (one's) life or the mistress)(can the mistress be the love)(I told you about my love of addicts)(about the addict I love right now)(reformed)(sober)(but the addict is still in there inside)

live today like you'll die tomorrow
and dream like you'll live forever

james dean

(I have to love it)(I have been it)(I do love it)(I can't judge it)
(I have to see it as beautiful)(not something to be erased)(you have to be everything you are sunny wray)(walk the path)(you are so pure)(just take it all with you & stay clear)(you said epiphany)(be epiphany)(wake up everyday)(universal mother)(in the light)
(me)








john



(we are both exhausted)(working really hard)
(I was glad you came)(yet another one)(who came last year)
(on the last day when the camera didn't work)
(no record)(but in my heart)
(we talked about soul)(shame)(Christianity)(our mothers)
(string theory)(the stress of creativity)(belief in oneself)
(determination)(moving forward)

doubt that the stars are fire
doubt that the sun doth move
doubt truth to be  a liar
but never doubt that I love

thom spanbauer  IN THE CITY OF SHY HUNTERS


(you texted me that the other day)(for nothing)(but me)(I loved it)
(I love thom spanbauer)(the man who fell in love with the moon)
(he calls love the big excrutiating)
(taking care of ourselves & each other)(I cried when I told you about
the youth & heart of contact)(you wiped my mascara from my cheek)
(thank you john)
(happy)








elle

(how can I love you for just one hour)(how can I fit all we are here)
(when you sat across from me last year)(we were vibrating)

creativity is the ability to see relationships where none exist

thomas michael disch

(you wrote me once: don't forget me)
(as if)(that would ever be possible)
(you remind me of the struggle of how to fit in a certain kind of love)
(that doesn't fit anywhere)(not because it is too big)(or too strange)
(but because it is everything)(and in that way it is also nothing)
(in the absolute best possible way)(beyond)
(it is in everything)

it's been said that you cannot give away what you do not have.
one of the most spiritual important insights or secrets in life is that you already have, and always have had, what you need to give away.
we are all already complete and worthy but we cannot know it and experience it, until we give it away.
only giving allows us to know what we are and what we have within.
ask the question – how can I serve?
the intention to serve will point you towards what you need to give.
if the intention is real it also generates the will.

(I needed you so much these weeks)
(we giggle)(we dream)(thanks for the my space intro)(thanks for the beautiful boy)
(raph)(you're doing such a good job)
(you are)
(smooch)
(circle)

salina


(you were the challenge for me)(ms salina)
(you weren't having me)(or maybe it was the idea of love)
(loving on command)(but I could see the love in you)
(from the beginning)(for raph)(& elle)
(your generosity was startling)(it was inspiring)
(we had a sweet time didn't we)
(the dilemma of complex but kind protein)(I wrote things down for you)(giggling)
(being quiet)(you were my last appointment)
(you will come back)(I will come back)
(blossom)

may 21

hope

this song has been with me for a month now, endlessly repeated: on my car radio, on my computer, on my shuffle.  my gangsta daughter jules gave it to me.  listen to it.  this music is from a couple of high school kids, white straight american boys.  I hate that I  qualified that, supported the stereotype.  forgive me.  but something is changing.  love.  you can hear it.

name brand & phreeze phrame  hear them here

thank you writer's block

may 22

ps i love you