may 11

naughty/ stealing the rose petals

it's all a little overwhelming at the contact theatre, so much going on and I don't want to sound like the diva that I am, but I'm used to a little more coddling, a little more handling, a little more of a buffer from the audience at large, but I am a trooper at heart and, (as I straighten up my spine) . . . I can handle it . . . (sniff) . . .  it feels a little bit like the santa kiosk at the mall, you know where you get to sit on santa's knee and tell whether you've been a good girl or boy and ask for your wildest dreams . . . and I guess I am santa, which I don't know if it's better or worse than being thought of as either a therapist, a prostitute or dear abby, but I tell you I'm just another person, and sometimes a little grumpy . . . actually it's the kids you have to watch out for at contact, they're really brazen and keep stealing the rose petals, which I guess it could be worse, I imagine them pulling those rose petals out of their grimy pockets later, at home, before they go to bed and wondering . . actually I love that, now I want them to steal . . . it's just the way they do it, right in front of me, defiantly, looking me in the eye . . I mean, I'm right in the middle of a love appointment and I don't want to lose the flow, but the strict mom in me wants to call them to task . . . it's a sharp and narrow road, tough love . . it's a good thing that in my compulsiveness, I hammered some of those petals down (now I am smiling, laughing to/at myself)(love)

 

gaetana

(it's so funny you came back)

(I remember you so from Harvey Nix)
(you went through the valentine boxes of the crush museum and chose the pictures of my life that made a story for you and read it back to me)
(you never stopped to see what I thought)
(you were so bold)(I just listened)(I didn't have to do anything)
(it was like going on vacation)

(we embraced like old friends)
(we got into it)

(archeology & narrative)

(the rising sun of winter vs the setting sun of summer)
(the belief that the warmth will come again)
(remembering)

(building to the rising sun)

(we're talking Bronze Age here)(I don't know, like 2000 BC)
(to be so simply thankful for that the sun has come again & there is no darkness)
(everyday)

(for you gaetana):

I remember inside a tent in the woods
the shadows of the leaves flickering against the fabric
I have no light
I used to be afraid of the dark
now, indoors I can walk through a house unaccompanied
in the night

a tent can be indoors
it is now daybreak
I eat up the morning & the answer of light
becomes the qualifying substance
I am light
I am home
the molecules break through
the concentration of my body
then the tent 
then the landscape

(love!)

simon

(big bear hug)
(today it is about depression & why & does it take us to the other side & does it really make us stronger
& is it just the other side of intense creativity)
(being in love)(staying in love)
(still getting that text after 9 years in love & that feeling in your heart)
(you are so full)
(full & full & full)
(you have liberated yourself)(it was a choice)(remember that)
(I didn't know you then but I can love you retroactively)(in some kind of hindsight)
(& stroke your brow)
(even though you have enough love)
(I can tell)
(you're lucky)

(joy!)

joey

(taking a ride together)

(beginning with non-monogamy vs polyamory)
(and ending with fucking with just about everything we know we are)
(or thought we knew)
(or pretend to be)
(I'm so hopelessly retro & beyond theory)(or maybe before theory)
(or just slow)
(a slow moving train picking up passengers)
(a femme self absorbed train)
(which isn't so bad) (really) (be honest)
(maybe not self absorbed but more like chronically inborn & reflexive)(organic)

(i get so hung up on the body)
(on the soft body at birth)

(isn't that the nature of the origin of love anyway)
(or maybe you don't think about that)
(where love comes from)
(but if we are to surgically dissect gender)
(and by that I am not implying that it wasn't fun)
(wouldn't somehow in that dissection there be some avenue of exploration
into the matrix of life itself)(which at the very core would be love)
(because even as an gender outlaw one must be born)

(ok enough of me)(really)

(thank you for your kind patience)
(you're pretty smart)
(I learned a lot from you)
(sweet)
(transformational consciousness)

peggy

(beautiful skin)(striking really)
(familiar)(though we haven't met before)
(we both said that we'd felt better)(a little down)(or elsewhere)
(& by that maybe we were better together)
(maybe)
(I had gone outside to take a break)
(so often I feel like I just can't do it)
(but I'm a girl of my word & I continue)
(& it surprises me)
(the love)

(it was so special between us)(wasn't it)

(I worried you wouldn't think it was art)
(I was too worried about what you thought)
(I had to work hard to let it go)
(I was struggling with this even as I said:
when I worry about how people experience this work I am lost
&
I live life with a lot of gusto (or something like that) I get a lot out of life . .
(I don't know)(did I really say that)(god it all sounds so corny)
(but how can it not be good if I was struggling to be myself & be seen)

(because I cared)(about you)(what you thought)

(you spoke about grief)(and then having to work)(I felt it)(I know it too)

(having to show up & work & grieve at the same time)

(your sister)(your life)(your truck outside the green room not inside with you)
(not knowing what is next)(being soft)

(I don't know either)
(what is next)

(summer in upstate ny)
(dusk)
(eating a little bit)
(being in the car)
(children)
(grandchildren)
(partnership)(even in this moment)(you & i)

(integrity)