may 12

procrastination/ can't ever get out of my room

Overwhelmed and feeling behind it's hard to just jump in here.  I've been procrastinating like crazy, made myself actually leave my bed and the hotel at the ungodly hour of 8 am to get a huge redeye from Starbucks, forgoing my usual lolling around the bed for a good hour, meditating and yoga, then staring at the screen for what seems ages and relatively mindless correspondence, you know, kind of touching everything I know and love before I can leave the house.  When I'm at home, I try to get up really early, when I'm not otherwise occupied, but then I make a habit of living in relatively unexciting locations or let's just say slower environments so that an early bedtime is manageable.  This is absolutely essential as I am such an excitable girl and living outside of a lot of commotion is the only reasonable way I can get some sleep, at least for the 55% of my life that I am actually at home.

So I walked up Picadilly to Starbuck's and on the way I tried to think constructively about the shack and how to really make it grow . . .  I've been doing a lot of sitting around and talking, and by talking I mean really loving, but it's kind of the default the talking, isn't it . . I mean it's what I know how to do best, I suppose, but can't you just love someone by being next to them, can't you love someone by noticing them, breathing them, really paying attention or then maybe just by being yourself on the planet with them.  I don't know for sure obviously but I do get tired, not of listening, cause I love a story, but of waiting for something to happen . . . when it's already happening, it's been happening, a whole lot of synchronicity, all of us, forever . . .oh god, I hope you know what I mean.

At Starbuck's there was this little girl sitting at a table with what could have been her mother and father and grandmother but the coupling was hard to figure out.  They were a scruffy family, not remarkable or pretty, really.  But the little girl was something.  She was so excited, really excited.   She was maybe 4 years old with a disheveled ponytail, dark hair and she wore a dirty little yellow outfit, matching shirt and skirt, the shirt with gathered short sleeves and BARBIE in hot pink handwriting across the top.  She was telling a story and she kept making that YES motion with her hands, you know, when you raise two fists up in the air, and then pull them sharply to your chest and close your eyes, you know, like Yes! Yes! And then a kind of mmmmmmmm at the end, with the head bowed to the chest and holding there for a few seconds.  I don't know what she was talking about but the man next to her, maybe her father or maybe her brother, he looked so young, maybe 17, but looked so much like her and he was laughing like crazy and he was doing the YES! too.

I loved them.  Obviously. (& effortlessly)

On the way home there was a placard, I think it was about education, I'm not sure and there were two teenage girls and they were making some kind of dress for one of them, it looks like it's made out of bunched up plastic bags and they are both giggling, and the type says something like: OUTSIDE OF THE BOX? THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A BOX.

Really everything goes so much better when I get out of the way and just show up like it's my job so I took the love responsibility a little more constructively and I went out and bought some pansies and some verbena in the hopes of getting some or at least one of my patrons to help me figure out some gardening in the hopes that getting some dirt under my (our) fingernails would liven it all up a bit.