May 14

sunday

I woke up at a reasonable hour this morning and luxuriated in the knowledge that there was no work today.  Today Contact is closed.  I rarely get a day off when I perform these love gigs, as one of my specialties -- alongside love, making tea, staring intently and giggling – is endurance.  I love the altered state of being exceptionally tired but, like the endless contradiction that I am, I love my bed too.  I LOVE MY BED.  I can't say it too often.

I love to be very very quiet.  I love to be still & do absolutely nothing.  For hours.

It is work, any of you who think sitting up there and giggling and making toast is easy.  It is work although, as I have said ad infinitum, I do mean it from the bottom of my heart.  I do. I do.  So much it scares me a little sometimes.

I told Joey the other day, that sometimes I can feel my heart growing.  I can hear my heart growing, that pounding you get inside your ears. That feeling of being larger than the skin you're in.

It reminds me of the first time I gave birth, sitting outside my house on a stone wall, staring at this big tree that sat in the middle of my driveway and realizing I could feel my hip bones moving inside my body.

Giving way.

Last night at Armistead Maupin's lecture/reading, I saw one of my paramours from a few days ago, Will from the box office.  He was standing on line holding his journal, waiting for Armistead to come into the lobby to sign books.  We embraced, like the lovers that we were and I said, "see you at work." He smiled a big smile.