may 16


ok i give up

I woke up this morning, all irritable & frustrated . . . god knows why, I am so lucky to be able to do what I do.  Anyway, I had a super long checklist inside of what was not working for me & it was giving me a headache & I slept like shit, checking the clock every hour from 3 ish til dawn, when I finally slept a bit.  When I woke up, I got down on my knees & asked to be relieved of my cranky self, please please please relieve me of the bondage of self & then I got up & made my way to contact, finally picking up the bread for toast, along with some organic butter & some orange marmalade.  the girl behind the counter complimented me on my choices, which I thought was funny, but what can be better than bread & butter & jam.  I got to contact, and just to fuck with my head a little more, my first appointment didn't show.  I made some toast & got a latte with an extra shot & sat in the shack & loved my self, all curled up in the power chair.  And then everything shifted.  Thank you.

tony

(after a brief administrative check-in)
(about burn-out & high ideals)
(we turned our thoughts to womanizing)
(were we flirting or comparing notes)
(I asked you what you liked to do)
(you said you liked to be happy)
(when asked to qualify that I think you said)
(I like to drink & have fun & flirt)
(womanizing vs flirting)(is it the intent)
(you looked genuinely sad when you questioned past behavior)
(on the threshold)
(I want to be a better man)(you didn't say that)
(another man said that to me)(just last week)
(to be a better man)
(I wanted to go back to this but you moved ahead)
(you told me your life turned all pear shaped)
(your mom died suddenly)(just this last March)
(lost my mojo)(just gettting it back)(smile)(laugh)
(I asked you if you missed your mom)(obviously)
(suddenly not such a smooth talker)(I really loved you then more than ever)
(I told you when my mom died was when she really started to love me)
(my whole life changed)
(you said you could feel your mother in you)
(I told you about my womanizer)
(I've loved many)(what does that say about me)
(but there is a gusto in loving many)(I have to look at myself)(I love that energy)
(I can't help it)(we were tight)(almost siblings)
(you talked more about your mom)(how you went to scotland)
(to the place where she died)(how you touched it with your hand)
(the very spot)
(your mom was wild)(you surrendered your sadness to her)
(so lucky for you)(before she died)(you knew her)(she knew you)
(you laid it down)
(you loved that one girl)(she left)
(it is all in you)
(magical)

crystal

(it makes me so happy when I see people who really want to come)
(you wanted it)
((beautiful girl)(beautiful smile)
(you were slow to come forward)
(true scorpio)
(I found that out later but I always know the scorpios)
(doodlebug)
(you work with your hands)(you love to make things)
(I told you about teaching knitting to HIV guys)
(I love to knit)(a secret skill)
(in the old days the women used to spin as a form of prophecy)
(I used to knit in front of the tv when I had tiny babies & I couldn't cope)
(it seems so long ago)
(you told me you would dress up & make fairy cakes & give them out at doodlebug)
(I invited you to burning man)(to be in the love camp)
(you are on your way to san francisco)
(if the cash shows up)(but you have a ticket already)(you're going)
(you had that san francisco gleam)(you will love each other)
(it took me forever to get to the question that I kept forgetting along the way)
(how do we separate love from sex)
(or more like does sex make you love someone more)(or less)

(or does sex make you crazy & then you fall in love or
does sex with someone you know & love get that much deeper)
(what is it that gets around the back of your head & creep up & grow
over everything)
(you made me this beautiful totem to love)(for love)






(a red cardinal on top)
(we pressed our fingers in silver paint & then touched the cardinal)
(I touched his heart & you touched his wings so gently)
(you wanted to come back)
(I wanted you to come back)
(joy)

katie



(well girl your smile is as big as your whole head)
(what a happy thing)
(I can't imagine I made that happen)
(you must have brought it with you from somewhere else)
(within)
(a rough weekend)(sleeping on the couch)(lots of friends)
(you love your friends)(& it's obvious they love you)
(you smell of it)(beautiful)
(you love your friends)(oh my god you love your friends)
(we talked about glastonbury)(we talked about stonehenge)
(big stones)(little stones)(touching)(not touching)(love)
(your best best friend)
(she never says no to you)(she says let's go)
(I told you about Penelope)
(taking acid & christmas & flying to NYC & seeing Iggy Pop)
(haven't seen her in 15 years)(hold onto your friends)
(you made me want to call her)
(sweet sweet beautiful girl)
(smile as big as her whole head)
(magic)